The Colonel's Sister and the Major
by Lorne's Lily of the Night
Summary: Surprise, John Sheppard has a half sister who is brought to Atlantis. She soon becomes involved with a certain Major amidst adjusting to her new life in the city of the Ancients. Please Review! Chapter 14 has finally surfaced! So sorry for the long wait for the next chapter, it will be coming soon, Navy life has kept me busier then expected!
1. New Beginning, New Adventure

**Disclaimer: I do not claim to own any of the characters from Stargate Atlantis. The primary original character and the minor original characters are my own creation.**

**The Colonel's Sister and the Major**

**Chapter 1: New Beginning, New Adventure**

Yesterday. Yesterday had been a day like any other. A cold front had swept in, taking with it the last breath of fall. Snowflakes trickled down like a feather kissing the surface of a pond. Nature ran through its courses. Everything seemed right in the world. Children playing, trying to catch the snowflakes, the hub and bub of people hustling about their day, nothing changed. At least that is how it seemed to them.

For everything that didn't change, just as many things did. It was difficult to look at life with the same eyes when you're entire world gets flipped upside down. It should have been terrifying. It wasn't, it was exhilarating. Unlike anything I'd have expected, yet so much more.

Families decorated their homes in celebration of the holidays that were quickly approaching. So unaware. So blind to what was in front of them. I had been blind though. I hadn't wanted to see myself. Until my eyes were opened and I knew that I would never go back. I never wanted things to return to the way they were. I was granted a new life. Me, of all people, it was utterly unbelievable.

My half-brother would say that I was insane. That I should count my lucky stars that I was fortunate enough to be allotted the same privileges he was afforded. How could I be? Nicolette M. Kerrigan was actually going to be someone in some body's eyes. It was a surreal feeling that swept across me.

A co-worker of my brother's sat across from me now. It was hard to concentrate on what he was telling me. I was lost in his eyes. He was attentive, realization grew quickly in those breath taking blue eyes, and he had lost me… again. He sighed one of the most perfect sighs of exasperation that I have ever heard. I was totally smitten. Not my usual self. I was more like my half-brother. Quiet, attentive, I watched and studied people. I wasn't very social. That was easily explained by my lack of a proper up bringing. My father, though I received gifts on birthdays and holidays, hardly paid any mind to me. My mother, broken up by the affair she had with my father, the one that cost her. It had cost her, her not so perfect marriage. When she discovered she was pregnant with me, there was no way she could hide her secret anymore. I was damned from the moment that strip turned blue.

"Nikki, are you with me?" His voice drifted into my memories and I blinked. I looked at him and sighed.

"I am, sorry." I felt a blush crawling to settle onto my cheeks. I got flustered. I didn't like that this gorgeous specimen in front of me could make me feel embarrassed for not paying attention to him.

"Don't apologize. It's your head not mine. It'll be your fault if you aren't caught up to speed on things. I just figured on this 3 week trek that it would be easier for you to be told then have to read all those files."

"I thank you for that Major. I just…" I sighed. "I've wrapped my head around the idea of aliens, the Stargate, inter-planetary traveler, even the unthinkable; traveling to other galaxies. I don't have a problem with any of it. I guess I still don't understand why me?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure either Nikki. I'm just doing as ordered."

"It puzzles me though Major. I'm nothing. I have a doctorate in Psychology, yes, but I am nothing special and there are more qualified professionals in a field I no longer practice in."

"I told you to call me Evan. Listen, we've got 2 more weeks aboard ship, why not make something of it?" I smiled. I wasn't sure if he was still following orders or if he genuinely wanted to spend time with me.

Our frequencies of seeing each other were growing. Something I wasn't ashamed to admit, I was happy for. What did that mean though? He'd have his duties on Atlantis, how could I ever factor as more then just a friend? Not that this was the direction the new friendship was heading with him, it was still something to consider.

"What did you have in mind Evan?"

"Well…" He chuckled. God! The way his eyes looked when he was thinking about something that he shouldn't be thinking of made me quiver. He leaned in close, and in a whisper, his warm breath tingling against my cold ear. "We could get to know each other, better." With a peck on the cheek he was moving away from me. I was frozen to where I sat. I was thankful that the Commissary on the ship was empty. It was after all, late at night. I heard him chuckled softly as he walked further away.

Blinking, I rose to my feet; I grabbed the files that were before me. He had been telling me about the missions I was reading up on, so that I didn't have to read them. With a last swig of my coffee I caught up to him. He eyed me with a pleased expression. It wasn't the sort of lustful gaze I thought I had coming my way. It was a playful one. I felt an eyebrow rise in his direction.

"Relax Nikki; it'll be fun, if you are up for it." Still sort of cautious of his gaze, I followed him, but didn't look directly at him again. We reached the quarters we had been given. They were right next to each other. When I thought we were heading to his, he opened mine. "After you." He smirked. I still couldn't look at him as I stepped into my quarters.

I went to the make shift desk and set the files down on a pile of ones that I had already read. Evan was laughing from the door when he looked at the way things were organized.

"Neat freak?"

"Just a little bit. It's a comfort to know that you know exactly where everything is at all times. After the way I was raised, I couldn't help but be this way." I shrugged as I finally looked at him. He was looking a sketch book that was sitting on one of the bedside tables. I blushed.

"You're really good. Your portraits are amazing, though your landscapes could use a little work."

I gawked at him. My mouth open from shock. I took a moment to collect my thoughts and compose myself. "What would you know about it?"

"Oh, sorry. My mother was an art teacher and artist. I learned everything she knows, though painting is more my thing."

"Ah, well sketching is just a hobby for me. I much prefer composing music."

"Is there anything you can't do?" He laughed. He sat down in the chair by the desk. "I'm sorry if I caught you off guard in the comm. I just want to get to know you better, and let you get a chance to know me. Sort of a twenty questions, without the questions."

My eyes narrowed. I was uncomfortable. "Is this some sort of test? To make sure that I won't have a problem fitting in? Am I just an order to you?"

"What makes you think that?"

"You've been nicer then I have expected." I sighed. "Not much of a psychologist am I? I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm a little paranoid."

"Then you will fit nicely in Atlantis." He smiled. Damn it, why did he have to do that? There I go again, melting like cheese under a broiler. He must have noticed. A look of concern grew in his eyes. "You okay?"

I didn't know what to say. I just sat down on the edge of the bed and shrugged. I just watched my feet. Yes, my feet were more interesting. They had to be. I couldn't keep looking at him. Desire twinges dangerously in my eyes. I couldn't let him see it. I had to keep my focus elsewhere.

I must have been quiet for some time because I now felt the bed shift from his weight. He took me chin by two of his fingers, gently turning my face towards his. I still wouldn't look at him.

"Nikki?" He was now concerned. I did not want things to go this way. He was going to be a new co-worker and possibly a patient. It was unethical in my book. Still, I could not ignore the nagging feeling inside me to just throw my arms around him and kiss those lips. I felt tears begin to form in my eyes. I couldn't take it anymore and I looked directly into his eyes. "Oh…" Escaped from his lips as he saw what I was trying to hid in my expression, in my eyes.

I needed to get away from him. I stood, walking to the other side of the room. I get my back to him as I wrapped my arms around myself. The only real comfort I could rely on was my own. I felt warm arms envelope me. I thought I was dreaming. But then I felt the rise and fall of his chest against my back. I heard his gentle breathing, his closeness and warmth so inviting. His arms relaxed as he felt me turning to look at him. His arms never leaving me.

"This isn't right Evan."

"What isn't?"

"The unexplainable way I feel about you. You saw it in my eyes. I know you did. I mean, yes we've gotten to know each other over the past month…" I couldn't say anymore. His lips were on mine. I couldn't breathe; I was frozen from the sweet ecstasy of his lips on mine. I snapped out of it long enough to kiss him back before he pulled away. He stared at me through knowing eyes, his arms pulling me closer, just holding me as I sighed contentedly, resting my head against his chest. Though I had had the faintest whispers of cologne through out the day, I could finally smell what had intrigued me.

Knowing enough about men's products was enough to know that he wasn't wearing cologne. It was just ordinary soap, but it smelled like heaven to me. It reminded me of simpler times. Before I had let my life get so complicated. Times when I used to compose mediocre music of piano, violin and melodies.

"You do know that you aren't the only psychologist Atlantis has. So you don't have to worry about the possibility of me becoming a patient."

I laughed. He must think that my silence after his kissed me was thinking about all the reasons why this was wrong. That thought had come to me before he placed those soft lips on mine. I was just enjoying him.

"It seems you are little behind on the mind reading. To be honest I was thinking about that before you kissed me."

He smiled, looking at me with his gorgeous eyes. "Has anyone ever told you that you have the most interesting and peculiar shade of hazel eyes I have ever seen?"

"Family curse on my father's side. While they are hazel, my eyes change with my mood. Most of the time they are blue or a blue-ish gray. Why?"

"They're green right now." I blinked. I stepped away from his warm and grabbed a mirror. I had to see for myself. I was dumbstruck when I saw that he was right. My eyes never turned green. Not once, something was definitely different.

I saw Evan go to say something and I looked at him puzzled. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just that my eyes have never turned green before. I'm curious, were my eyes green before you kissed me?"

A look of realization came into his eyes. "No, they were a mix of hazel and blue."

"Well then, my having green eyes right now is your entire fault then, Major Lorne." I smiled as I pretended to be accusing him of a wrong doing. He laughed a different sort of one then what I had heard from him. I liked this laugh much more. He seemed to express happiness through it.

The rest of that night we spent talking about our pasts. While I had mentioned both of my half-brothers, I was surprised when Evan didn't seem to have any recognition of my brother that got me into this mess in the first place.

Over the course of the next two weeks I grew closer to Evan. We spent all of his free time together. While most of the time he did use to help me ease through the files and start transitioning myself to a new life style, we did have our some what intimate moments. Neither of us knew what to expect of my when we reached Atlantis. We had decided not to let things progress further until I had all my answers.

That doesn't mean there weren't a few steamy kisses, mostly he helped me with my artwork. He was very good at landscapes and pointed out exactly what I had been doing wrong. One of the last nights aboard the Apollo, he had fallen asleep while we had been talking. I took the opportunity to do a portrait of him. While the portrait of him was a small one, I drew him lying in a forest clearing, on a patch of grass, a babbling brook mere feet away. After I had finished, I must have fallen asleep. I didn't remember much. I was moved from the place on the floor that I had fallen asleep to the bed in my quarters. I thought I heard him leave, but I couldn't be sure.


	2. Arrival to Altantis

**Chapter 2: The Arrival to Atlantis**

My last day aboard the Apollo, I didn't see him at all. He had warned me that that was going to happen. There were personnel he had to get in order before he arrived. So I went through my quarters, packing in my bag what little I had brought. The rest of my things, mainly trinkets and books, were in one of the cargo bays. I was told to leave the files, as they would be taken care of.

As we arrived at the planet in which the city of Atlantis lie, Colonel Everett personally invited me to the bridge to watch the landing. Something, he told me, he did as a favor to my brother. I was awe struck by the city. Though I had seen pictures and maps, it was beyond my wildest imagination. The sheer beauty of the alien architecture was breath taking. There, this great city laid, on the surface of a massive ocean. It was indeed quite a site. One that, perhaps with time, I could capture in a sketch.

Once we were landed on a pier, I was escorted from the bridge. As I was brought from the ship to the city, I caught a glimpse of Evan. He looked different, more serious. He had a TAC vest now on; a 9 mm strapped to his leg, a small headset was on one ear. He was in full military mode. Though I swear I saw a little spark in his eye as we passed by one another.

I didn't let it register, I knew that what I was about to embark on was serious. I walked quietly to the entrance of the tower I was being guided to. After a few stair cases, corridors and transporters, I was brought to the gate room. My breath caught as I say the Stargate. It looked much different then the one on Earth. It was still a sight on its own. That's not why my breath had stopped on its way out of my lungs. There, standing in the middle of the gate room was my brother. I hadn't expected him to be waiting for me. Yet there he was. It wasn't often that I actually got to see him. Prior to his telling me, in person, about my selection to be apart of the Atlantis expedition, I hadn't seen him in years. I had been unable and not welcome at our father's funeral.

I walked straight up to him, a small smile on my face. He smirked at me and seconds later, he was hugging me. "Johnny!" I couldn't hold in my excitement any longer. I was thrilled to be working and living in a place where I could spend time with my brother. I felt curious eyes on us, and someone cleared their throat behind him. We pulled away from each other.

"Mr. Woolsey, this is Dr. Nicolette Kerrigan."

"I see. And you know her how Col. Sheppard?"

"Colette is my sister." I smiled. John was the only one that was allowed to call me Colette; just like I was the only one he could tolerate calling him Johnny. Woolsey eyed me with wavering curiosity. I felt more eyes were staring at us. One of them looked like a scientist; the other two were clearly not from Earth.

"Oh good, you guys are here. Now I don't have to track you all down. Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Ammaggen, Ronon Dex, meet my half-sister Dr. Nicolette Kerrigan."

McKay was already gawking at me. I smiled a sweet smile, saying hello. Behind them though, and off to the side a bit, I saw Evan, a realization struck his face as he remembered me referring to my brother, only as Johnny. He hadn't put two and two together. He seemed upset. I wanted to go after him, but McKay was trying to ask me questions.

"McKay."

"Sheppard?"

"Remember what you told me when I met your sister?"

"Yeah."

"Well keep that and pain in mind, got me?"

I saw the look on McKay's face to one of 'Yeah right buddy, you're just kidding' to 'Oh Christ! He's serious'. He had sighed in defeat. I was brought into Woolsey's office, just him and my brother. We talked for a bit about my role on Atlantis. Why I had been chosen over so many other amply qualified candidates. Once I was satisfied with their answers, content to know it wasn't because of whom my brother was, I was shown to my quarters. The sergeant who had brought me to my quarters left as quickly as we had arrived. I had turned around to ask him a question, only to see Evan standing there. He did not look happy.

He stepped into my quarters and let the doors close. "Why didn't you tell me that your brother was my commanding officer?" He really wasn't happy.

"Evan, I didn't know! Johnny never told me that he was the military commander of the base. He just said that he was apart of the action. If I had known, don't you think I would have told you? Really, think about it. We've gotten to know each other pretty well over the past month and a half. Did it sound at all to you that I knew what my brother was up to?" I was offended that he could be so upset with me. I was actually hurt.

"You're eyes aren't green anymore." He sighed. He knew with his angry question that he had hurt me. Since my eyes had turned green the night he first kissed me, they stayed green-ish. "I'm sorry. It just took me for a loop when I saw you talking to him with this overly happy look on your face." He sighed defeated. He could clearly see that no matter what he said to me right now, I was truly hurt by him.

"John should be coming by soon. I should start unpacking." I turned away from him. I could feel the tension. He hesitated, trying his luck; he wrapped his arms around me. Asshole! Why did his touch alone calm me down? Why was he able to sweep me off my feet with just a small gesture of comfort? This time I sighed in defeat and turned to face him. "I accept your apology Evan." I kissed him softly and smiled.

He seemed to be glad that I really had accepted his apology. With a long, gentle kiss from him, he left before John could catch us. He was somewhat teasing. He wasn't the type of man to do something against what his CO would want. That included being involved with his CO's baby sister. We hadn't decided to hide anything from John, but it seemed like the best thing. Besides, Evan and I still didn't know where things were heading for us.

I was glad when John came, after getting off duty, to help me unpack my things. As he placed what few books I brought with me onto a shelf, he laughed.

"What's so funny Johnny?"

"That we are so alike, but had different upbringings that brought the same result." He skimmed through my sketch book. Thankfully, only the first few pages. "You're getting a lot better at your so called hobby Colette."

"Thanks. I did set aside music to pursue my artistic talents. I was sort of hoping to get good enough at my artwork to open a gallery that only played my compositions."

"I'm sorry that you decided otherwise."

"Pass up the chance to work with my favorite brother and still get to pursue my art while making a buck, no chance in hell I was passing that up."

"Didn't you get your inheritance from Dad? I know Dave was supposed to take care of that?"

"He did. I have it saved. I almost feel guilty about being left anything by Dad. It was my impression that he didn't want me, that's why I only got gifts instead of actual face time."

"Don't feel bad, I thought Dad wasn't happy with me either." I hugged him, eager to change the subject. I didn't want to talk about our father anymore. It was upsetting.

"So I heard Nancy was at the funeral."

"Oh, no you don't. We are not talking about my ex."

"Jeez Johnny, get a grip. I haven't seen you since right after she left you. Well except for two months ago when you dropped this ball on me. I have a right to know how things went."

"What makes you think so?"

"I'm your sister. That alone is all the right I need."

"You act more like a teenager sometimes then someone who just turned thirty."

"Oh no, I can't believe this. Are you seriously rubbing my face in the fact that I am no longer in my spry 20's?" I punched him playfully then went back to unpacking my clothes.

"Very much so."

"Okay, Mr. I'm a Lt. Col. who thinks I'm hot and almost 40." I snickered as he threw a pillow at me.

"Now who acting immature?" I laughed. It felt good to be already re-connecting with Johnny. This place wasn't going to be as bad as I thought.

"So, any new guys on the horizon?"

"Not sure to be perfectly honest."

"Well, if you like him, I hope it works out. Wanna go grab a bite to eat? Then I'll show you around?" I nodded. I was rather hungry. I wasn't just hungry for a meal though. I yearned to see the rest of this place. There was something about it; the city itself seemed to put me at ease. Must be that ATA gene connection thing that Johnny was telling me about. It was pretty cool to be connected to a place so enriched in its own history and mythology of Earth.

I put that out of my mind though as I went and had dinner with Johnny, his team mates joined us, I enjoyed spending the time to get to know them. Teyla was extraordinary. Ronon, well he was certainly different. Rather quiet though. Now Rodney on the other hand. I knew how to get him to shut up.

"Explain to me, why you are such an annoying pesky person, Meredith. Is it some repressed childhood want to be the center of attention? I think you have a serious psychological disorder."

"You told her my first name?" McKay seemed more appalled that John had told me his real first name then the fact that I insulted him. While he was appalled though, Ronon almost spit out his drink, Teyla was trying to hold in a laugh and John just smirked.

"Well buddy, she is my sister. Get used to it."

"Nicolette, dear sister of my soon to be dearly departed friend over here, can you please not call me Meredith. I go by Rodney."

"Sure, Mer, oh sorry, that's what your sister calls you right?"

"Listen here missy; you obviously don't understand who I am and how important I am."

"Dr. McKay, you are under a serious delusion to think that I even care who you are or how important you are." I stood up from the table, saying something about a headache, asked John to leave me alone for the night, and left. Before I was completely out of the mess hall I could hear John yelling at McKay, something about how he would never treat Jeanie that way. Thankfully, John didn't follow me. I was glad that I was able to make my way back to my quarters without a problem. I changed out of clothes that I felt like I spent a week in, to my favorite pair of short and sweatshirt. I crawled into the bed of my quarters. The sound of the ocean right outside lulled me into a gentle slumber.


	3. More Changes

**Chapter 3: More Changes**

I woke up the next morning feeling well rested, something that I hadn't felt for quite some time. It was still early, and I was itching to go running. Not knowing my way around Atlantis was the only thing preventing me from that. As if reading my mind, my brother, without knocking, opened my door.

"Oh good, you're up. Not that I'm surprised. I figured you would be. Care for a run and a tour at the same time?"

I had to laugh. Though it seemed that we didn't know each other well, well, we did. As I said John and I were much a like in many aspects. Since I was already in shorts and a sweatshirt, my usual running attire, I threw on socks and sneakers. I threw my hair black hair up into a messy bun, than in my usual way, I threw my favorite hat on, one of my many Dallas Cowboys hats. John cringed as always at the team.

"One of these days I am going to make you see that the sports teams you choose to align yourself with are the wrong choices."

"Why, because they aren't the ones you like Johnny?"

"Exactly Colette, and well, you're teams suck." I stuck my tongue out him like a petulant child, which scored a chuckle from him. We headed to the mess first, for breakfast. I certainly felt a little out of place in my sweat shorts, my Air Force sweatshirt and my hat, but I didn't care. I wasn't one for looking to fit in. We grabbed a quick breakfast, just some fruit. As soon as we finished, we each grabbed bottled waters and we were off.

With a city this large, I was sure I could hash out a great run route. I rather enjoyed the one that Johnny was taking me on now. We reached the end of one of the lower levels of one of the piers and he stopped. We took swigs of the water, than he was off again with a smirk. I was on his trail, easily able to keep pace with him. Running was the only form of exercise that I currently could tolerate. Johnny knew that I ran 5 miles every morning, when I could. By the time we made it back to the city, I knew we hadn't run 3 miles, but, as it is with having a military officer for a brother, duty called. He promised to send someone to give me a more formal tour of the city and show me to my office. I showered and dressed in my new base uniform. I frowned, as comfortable as this was; I wanted the BDU's that Johnny wore. They and his boots looked more built for comfort and durability of course. I still hadn't seen Lorne as the day was progressing. I assumed he was back to his normal duties in full swing.

It was something that was to be expected, I knew and he knew it, but I had been hoping for a different outcome. After twenty or so minutes had gone by, I was growing impatient. Hunger interrupted my thoughts as I was about to head to the mess. Opening my door, there was someone I hadn't expected, standing there. She was blonde woman; we were about the same height. Her expression was hard to read.

"Dr. Kerrigan?"

"Yes."

"Oh good, I didn't get the wrong room. I'm Dr. Keller, the chief medical officer. I thought I'd come and introduce myself since we'll be working together every now and then."

"It's a pleasure to meet you Dr. Keller. But please call me Nicolette or Nicole."

"Call me Jennifer. I was about to go to the mess and grab some breakfast, care to join me?"

I smiled, I was hungry, that fruit hadn't been enough this morning. "Sure." As we left my quarters, the same sergeant who brought me to them last night reappeared.

"Dr. Kerrigan."

"Yes sergeant?"

"I'm to show you around the base ma'am."

"It can wait Sergeant. I am heading to the mess to grab breakfast."

"My orders are to do it now ma'am."

"Well, sorry. Breakfast calls sergeant. It can not be missed." Giving up the sergeant sighed. As Dr. Keller and I began walking to the mess hall we could hear him a few steps behind. Talk about feeling like you are under guard.

The mess was slightly more packed then it had been this morning. Grabbing a yogurt and more fresh fruit, I followed Jennifer to a table. It was thankfully empty. There were stares of curiosity being tossed my way, ignoring them was rather easy.

"So, how long have you been on Atlantis Jennifer?"

"A few years now. It was daunting at first. But once you get into the swing of things, it's easy."

"I imagine I'll have an easy time of it."

"Why's that?"

"My brother."

"You're brother?"

"Does no one here know how my brother is?" Amazed. That was the easiest word to describe it. It was hard to believe that not one single rumor about Sheppard having a half sister who was the new psychologist on Atlantis, was being spread around. Amazed was definitely the right word.

"Well no. At least I don't and I haven't heard anything."

"Oh, well never mind then."

"So?"

I sighed, why did I bring it up? There was, or at least there had to be a reason that not even Mr. Woolsey had know that I was John's sister. It was to say the least, the way John was. Private, very private.

"Col. Sheppard is my brother." She looked at me, first with shock, then a quizzical look, studying my features for a few moments.

"You do sort of resemble him. The hair and the eyes mostly."

"I'd hope that would be all, other wise there'd be something wrong." We laughed. She told me about a few of the latest things that had happened on base that she knew of. I could tell that she was younger then me, not by much. Maybe a small handful of years. There wasn't a lot of young people, save some military. Well with having a military brother, I knew exactly how they felt about scientists and doctors. So it wasn't surprising there wasn't much of a friendship going on there. The military boys that were here probably looked at the non-military personnel as their job. As in keeping them alive and safe so they could go about their day with no problems, no worries. It wasn't surprising that Jennifer had sought me out. It was more for the reason of getting to know someone close to her age then someone who would be working along side her department very closely.

When I finally finished breakfast with Jennifer, and Jennifer had to get back to work, I allowed the sergeant to give me a tour. While he showed me around the more important parts of the city, I began to wonder if Evan was actually the one who sent the sergeant instead of coming himself. At the end of the tour, we were at my office. I thanked the almost too quite sergeant and stepped in. It had a small balcony that looked over the northwest pier. Stepping out onto the balcony, my breath caught as it had when I first saw the city on orbital descent. It was gorgeous.

I wasn't aware that there was someone on my balcony watching me. The view was all that I had seen, not even thinking that I wouldn't be alone. The sergeant had left after I entered my office. Finally taking my eyes off the view, I turned to go back inside when I saw him. Evan, watching me, quietly, his silence made me nervous.

"Evan? What are you doing here?"

"I needed to talk to you. I figured that you would make it here eventually. You're office would be more private then your quarters. Only a few people know that you are in here."

"Something wrong Evan?"

He shook his head, than I saw it. He was trying to find the words to tell me that he didn't want to see where our relationship was going to go. His body language screamed differently. I wanted him to wrap his comforting arms around me as he had done last night and all those nights on the ship. Inwardly I laughed, some where deep inside, I knew that I had let my guard down and that was going to come back to bite me big time. And it was about to when he opened his mouth to speak.

He stepped close to me, standing mere inches from me. He pulled me into his arms, something I wasn't expecting. I tried to push away from him. Maybe I read his eyes wrong; maybe there was just something other then our possible relationship troubling him. Then he spoke and my world came crashing down.

"Nikki, I…" I pushed away from him, and this time he let me.

"You don't have to say anything Major. I already know what you are going to say. You are going to give me a reason, or reasons why a possible relationship between us can't work, despite our putting those concerns behind on back on the Apollo."

"Don't be cold with me Nikki; you've got it all wrong. Col. Sheppard is having me run an extended Op off world. I can't get into the specifics. I was just going to say don't wait for me. If there is someone else you come across that, don't hesitate."

"Shut up Evan." For the first time ever, in my life, I felt tears threatening to spill at the sound of his words. Almost pleading with me to wait for him, but trying to push me away at the same time. He pulled me back into his arms before I could turn away from him, his arms comforting me again, his warmth calming me. I looked up into his eyes, I had misread that look. That wasn't going to be a mistake that I made again. I could clearly see that he felt the same way I did. He was trying so hard to show restraint. I wouldn't let him. I raised myself those extra couple inches to kiss him.

His lips on mine, the way he kissed me, with a longing, a need, a want. He hadn't kissed me this way before. I guess since he sounded like he wasn't sure how long he was going to be gone from Atlantis, that he threw his well worn restraint out the window. We shifted slightly, my back now against the wall near the door of the balcony. In that simple movement, I saw out of the corner of my eyes, someone was leaving my office. I couldn't see who it was, but I was pretty sure, since the way we had been standing, they only would have seen Evan.

I let that thought slip away as I wrapped my arms loosely around his neck, drawing him in closer. I had those same wants and needs that his kiss was promising. He must have felt that from me because he pulled back. His gorgeous eyes stared into mine, a smile on his face.

"I have to go back on duty now. If you don't get invited to have dinner with anyone, have it with me."

"I'll make sure of that Evan. There isn't anyone else I would rather have dinner with tonight." Continuing to smile he kissed me softly, running a hand gently along my cheek.

"I'll see you for dinner then Nikki."

"Can't wait." I smirked as his face got serious as he left the balcony, then a moment later my office. A deep sigh escaped my lips as I tried to calm my arousal. He had gotten me worked up with that kiss that I needed a few minutes to collect myself. Something about him in that TAC vest and the way he looked sent little chills up and down my spine. I closed my eyes, trying to clear my mind. Breathing slowly I brought myself back to the moment at hand. The door to the balcony opened.

"I've been looking for you Colette."

"I've been here for maybe ten minutes, give or take Johnny." I would not look at him; I kept my eyes locked on the city below.

"Really? I was here a few minutes ago. I didn't see you. I saw Maj. Lorne, but not you."

"I was out here with Major Lorne, Johnny." I could feel his piercing stare. I turned to meet it with a cool and collected calm.

"What was he doing here?"

"Asking me to have dinner with him tonight. We had dinner together a few times on the way here from Earth. He would tell me what sort of things to expect of life on Atlantis. I guess he just wants to see how my first day has gone. You have a good Second in Command."

"Yeah, Lorne's a good guy that way. But you are lying to me Colette; you are too much like me. I know that you are lying."

Damn. How to get out of this without giving away whatever was going on between me and Evan. I glared at him, indignantly of course. Sighing, I shrugged. "So what if I am Johnny?"

"Oh, it's that patient doctor thing right?" He seemed determine not the read the blatant look in my eyes for what they were really telling him.

"No. Truth be told, Evan and I have become friends in the 6 weeks since I met him."

"Six weeks?"

"Yes Johnny, he was on Earth for 3 weeks before we left on the Apollo. You know, following orders to make sure I was debriefed on the current events of Atlantis and all that."

"Oh. I just didn't realize that Lorne was gone for that long."

He had this odd look on his face. I laughed. "Sometimes Johnny, you get wrapped up in your little world you wouldn't see someone slapping you on the back of the head. But how could you have not realized that he was gone. He _is_ your Second in Command is he not?"

"He is, but he knows his duties too well. He's a well oiled machine, that unless I need him for something, it could be a week or more without seeing him."

I just shook my head. The conversation then changed to other, unimportant things. He had to get back on duty, and it was now time for lunch, and I could certainly eat. I was hungry after that tour. I had most definitely worked off what little I had eaten. As I walked to the mess, taking in the slight differences in uniform, I almost had to laugh at Johnny's pre-emptive thinking. My pants weren't as tailored as everyone else's. While they were the same shade of gray, they fit more like BDU's. My black t-shirt was tight fitted though. I didn't mind. I wasn't ashamed of myself one bit. I was in great shape. I just hated that my shoes weren't military issue. My uniform jacket was the same as everyone else's though. I was so envious of the military personnel allowed to carry a .9 mm at all times.

As John and I entered the mess hall, the same thing that happened early this morning, happened again, people were trying to look like they weren't staring. Sometimes I forgot how much John and I look alike, both have the dark hair and the same eyes. My being the average height of 5'4" might have something to do with that. I always looked so much shorter and smaller than John. So what if I was skinny, but with well toned muscles? So what if a lot of people thought I looked like I should be a model, but I didn't have the height. Who the hell cared? I continued to ignore the stares and whispers as John and I grabbed lunch and sat down, as far away from the others as possible. I knew he did that for my benefit. I had seen him give as many people the evil eyes.

We weren't alone for long as Dr. McKay, Jennifer, Teyla and Ronon eventually wandered their way over to us, with their own food. Rodney began trying to bombard me with questions again.

"McKay!" John sounded funny, like he was scolding a 2 year old.

"What? I'm not allowed to get to know your sister?" He could clearly want to say something more, hmm, emotional perhaps, bringing a sort of sentiment into his words.

"Wait a minute… Johnny…" I eyed him and he could tell by the look in my eyes what I was getting at. He tried to shush me. "What happened to Mr. I hate scientist and anyone with a Dr. in front of their name because I'm an asshole?" The others just stared as he laughed.

"Colette, really, you're language sometimes."

"Sometimes Johnny?"

"Johnny?" Teyla repeated with an amusing glance.

"Yeah, it's Colette's 'pet' name for me. She's allowed to get away with calling me Johnny."

"And he's the only one I haven't tried to murder for calling me Colette." I smirked, but gave a wary glance. My eyes caught Evan slipping out of the mess, with a sandwich in hand. No one else seemed to notice my where my eyes wandered to. I swear I could pick him out of a stadium full of people.

"So, Nicolette, any juicy news you can tell us about growing up as his sister?"

"Not really, no. Other then he was an obstinate teenager. A very rebellious one in Dad's eyes. Grew up in separate worlds we did. Wasn't until he graduated from Stanford, right before joining the Air Force did he come around more often."

"Yet, I seem to remember a certain someone sneaking out of the house, stealing your mother's car and driving to Stanford in my senior year because you wanted to get pictures with, what was it, my jock friends, to show off to your friends?"

"I seem to remember you being all but happy about driving back with me so you could hit on a few of those friends, casa nova." John glared at me and McKay's face lit up.

"I knew it. You are Kirk." Leave it to an astrophysicist to be a Star Trek fan.

"No, I wasn't. I was engaged to my ex-wife than." I visibly cringed at the reference to her. I couldn't stand Nancy, never could, but she had been Johnny's high school and college sweetheart. All I had to say was thank god they had come to their senses and she left him and he let her go.

"I take it you didn't like her?" Ronon asked. I nodded.

"Nancy and I don't get along very well. Never did, the bitch."

"Hey now. Cool it Colette."

"She seemed nice enough to me when I met her." I did a double take at Ronon's statement. John seemed to read my face the fastest. Well, of course he did. He knew me as well as he knew himself.

"Ronon met Nancy at Dad's funeral."

"She was there?"

"Dave didn't tell you?"

"Why would Dave tell me anything, or did you forget our brother likes to pretend I don't exist just like Nancy does. Anyway, I do seem to remember, the night of Johnny's bachelor party. It was him and a bunch of his new Air Force buddies." Before I could get anything else out John's hand was clamped firmly over my mouth, even licking his hand, he wouldn't move it.

"Oh come on! She was about to tell us something good!" Even Teyla and Ronon seemed to want to hear what I was going to say. John glared at me.

"Nicolette Maura Kerrigan." I visibly cringed under his hand; that was still on my mouth. He leaned in to whisper in my ear. "You remember what will happen if you say anymore. You dear baby sister, were sworn to secrecy." No one else heard what he had to say, but they could tell it was him reminding me of a promise of some kind of hurt if I said anymore. He slowly took his hand away from my mouth. I was pouting. I glared venomously at him. Why did he have to remind me of that now? He knew that if I said anything about what had happened at his bachelor party at my apartment; that he would lay my exploits with two of his buddies out for everyone to hear.

Then something dawned on me. Johnny forgot some of his old frat buddies had sent me pictures of his fraternity days. My pout slowly grew into a large smirk. He looked at me suspiciously, racking his mind to try and figure out what memory was fresh in my mind.

"So remind me to show you guy's pictures that I have in my possession from Johnny's frat days." John's mouth dropped. He raised an eyebrow and looked at me, then smirked.

"You don't have those pictures Colette. Remember? You were nice and gave them to me after Nate sent them to you."

My smirked turned to an evil grin. "What makes you think I didn't give you copies? Do you really think I would willingly give those pictures up without having copies?"

"I want to see them. I'd love to see what sorts of things Sheppard got into." That's when I saw the knowing look cross John's face. Before Rodney or anyone else could say anything, I was on my feet, running from the mess. I could hear him just seconds behind me. He would probably beat me to my room, but he didn't know exactly where the pictures were.

This time of day, and this many people in the hall made running a little harder.

"Look out, coming through!" He was calling mere steps behind me. People started clearing out of my way and I went into a full out sprint. John wasn't able to catch up to me. By the time I got to the transporter and clicked the right level and area, the doors closed on him. The doors opened and I practically jumped. John was standing there, a scowl on his face.

"How did you?"

"I know this city like the back of my hand. The stairs would have been quicker." He was scowling.

"Don't give me that look Johnny."

"Colette, you are going to nicely walk into your quarters and give me those pictures."

"I can't do that John. If I did, what would I show my new friends?" Then he crossed the line. He usually did about anything to do with his past that he really didn't want others to know about. He shoved me against the wall outside my quarters and got in my face.

"Nicolette, I am not going to ask you again. Give me those pictures."

"Go to hell Johnny." I brought my elbow to his gut with all the force I could muster then as he backed away I gave a swift kick to the back of his knees and he was on his back. Others that had been watching now stood, silent, mouths gaped open in shock. The new girl just put the Colonel down in two swift moves. Someone must have called Lorne because he was now standing there, helping John to his feet.

"Sir?" He questioned, all the while looking at me, the same shocked look on his face. My eyes probably matched the dark color of John's right now. We both had very bad tempers. Of course only we could really bring that out the worst in each other. Ah, sibling rivalry at it's finest. It was certainly a site to behold.

"Everything's fine Major. My sister and I were just playing around." He seemed to be calming down already, but I wasn't. I was at a boiling point. He tried to dismiss Lorne as he shoved me into my quarters. Evan didn't leave, citing that he was going to referee the "playing around." I couldn't blame him. John and I could get into some knock down drag out fights.

"Nic, the pictures, now." He hands started to ball back up into fists. I stepped right up in his face. My temper was peaking. He was pushing the line.

"What the hell is wrong with you Johnny, this isn't about those pictures. What the fuck is crawling up your ass?"

He sighed and stepped away. I blinked. He never backed off from fighting me. Could Evan have that effect on my brother, or had so much happened to him over the past few years, he wasn't quite the same Johnny I knew and loved.

"You're right. It isn't about the pictures. It's about you lying to me."

"What did I lie to you about?" I was calming down now. He had softened his tone because he wanted me calm.

"I saw you with Lorne on the balcony of your office."

Evan froze; he seemed to come back to himself quickly and stepped toward the door.

"Lorne, you don't have leave. I don't care. I'm used to my sister going after guys I either work with or am friends with." That seemed to stop Lorne, he still looked very uncomfortable. "Why I'm so mad at you Colette, is because you lied to me. I knew you had copies of the pictures. I'm not stupid. Why did you have to lie about what I saw?"

"Wow Johnny. You made me sound like a whore. Way to go." I shook my head. Evan slipped out while John stared at me, an apology written across his face. "I didn't tell you the truth Johnny because there was nothing to tell."

"There obviously is."

"There may have been, but because you couldn't leave it alone, the best guy I have ever come across just walked out and I doubt he's ever going to come back in any capacity."

John cringed. He saw the hurt on my face. He stepped closer to me. "I'm sorry Colette. I didn't mean…" He sighed. "I didn't realize that you liked him that much."

"Did you ever stop to think about it Johnny? Why wouldn't I tell you about the best guy I have ever met? Maybe it was because he is your second in command and didn't know how you would take his possibly trying to start a relationship with his commanding officers little sister. You don't ever think do you? You're supposed to be the MENSA one of the family."

"I'm really sorry Colette. I'll talk to him."

"Don't bother Johnny. I'd rather wait to see if he shows up for dinner. If he doesn't. Oh well. I just won't see him for a while after that. After all you have him running a mission that starts tomorrow."

"I'm such an idiot. I really am sorry. I can take Lorne off the mission, but someone else in charge of it."

"Is it important?"

"Yes, stuff to do with an alliance. Military expertise is needed."

"Then don't take him off the mission. From what he told me when we were on the Apollo, he loves going off world more then he loves being your second in command and the head of base security."

John nodded, apologized again and left me alone in my quarters. I stayed there the rest of the day. I hadn't finished unpacking or getting everything where I wanted. Though Johnny had tried to help me with it last night, kept putting things where he wanted instead of where I wanted. I opened a door, to what I thought was a cabinet, and it was a mini fridge that John had stocked for me, prior to my arrival. The two drawers next to it were filled with popcorn, granola bars, and bags of trail mix and pretzels. It put a smile on my face. I added the container of oatmeal cookies I had brought to the drawer. It was starting to get dark when I finally laid on my bed, curled up in a ball.


	4. It's starting to look like an 'us'

**Chapter 4: It's starting to look like an 'us'**

I must have dozed off. The next thing I could remember was someone trying to wake me up gently. I was wholly shocked to see Lorne, squatting on the side of the bed, trying to wake me. I sat up, blinking. I wasn't sure what to say. I shifted and he slipped onto the bed next to me.

"I know you are going to hate Col… sorry, your brother for this. But he talked to me. It was rather an uncomfortable conversation, for both of us. One I would never want to live through again. So I figured it would be best to come and talk to you." I nodded slowly, now noticing the slight changes in my surroundings. The city was all lit up, the sun had set. There was a try with food on it sitting on the desk.

Before I could look around to see if there had been any other changes, Evan pulled me into a kiss. It was different than the one we shared on the balcony. This one was soft, passionate, and sensual. It simply took my breath away. I reluctantly drew back and looked into his eyes.

"I like your kind of talking."

"Don't get too worked up about it." He chuckled. God, was there nothing about him that I didn't like?

"Why?"

"I need to focus before my mission and during it." I pouted. I wanted things to go further. But I suppose I could wait. After all, it was clear that neither of us wanted to rush things. He laughed, kissed my pouting lips then got up. He grabbed the tray of food and brought it back over to the bed, sitting down again.

"Since I brought dinner to you, I figured just sandwiches?"

I smiled warmly as I grabbed the one he handed me. "You know, I'm gonna miss this while you are off on your mission."

"Miss what?" He asked then took a bite of his sandwich.

"You spoiling me by hanging out with me every night like you have the last month."

"Well I hope you don't miss it so much you look for it elsewhere."

"And what happened to you telling me earlier today to not let someone pass me by while you were gone?"

He sighed as I quietly bit into my sandwich. He put his down, took mine and did the same thing. As soon as I swallowed my bite, his hand was on the side of my face, a longing lay in his eyes.

"Nikki, I don't know how long I will be gone. Shouldn't be more then a month. If all goes well, it should be just under a week. When Sheppard said he saw us today, the first thing that went through my mind was that I was going to have to give you up so I didn't piss him off or make things awkward. Regardless of the reasons your brother doesn't care, you need to know that I want to see where things go with us. What I said today killed me to say it. You are an amazing knock out." He laughed at his own description of me as I couldn't help but smile.

"The thing is Nikki; it's obvious that we both want this. Don't let things change that could risk this ending."

"Evan…" I kissed him. I was so touched by his words. "You have nothing to worry about. I'll be here waiting; even if your mission lasts longer then you are hoping for. Besides, you still have to help me perfect my landscapes." I nudged him in a teasing way and he kissed me, a long, soft kiss. I was clearly happy as we both went back to eating, we finished quickly. We talked more, not about anything important. Mostly about different painting techniques, as he was eager to have someone with as much talent as I have, to teach. Before he left for the night, he did something unexpected.

After asking for my digital camera, he made me smile. He took a couple of snap shots of us. It was completely cheesy, but the thought behind it touched me. There was 5 pictures total that he took. In one, we both were looking at the camera; another I was looking at him while he looked at the camera, then one with him looking at me while I looked at the camera. The fourth was me resting my head gently against his shoulder with his arm around me. The last was definitely my favorite; he had been able to capture us kissing before his hand holding the camera moved to my lower back.

Soon after he left. He was leaving on his mission at 0800; he needed to make sure he was well rested. I had no qualms about it. I wanted him to be on his 'A' game so he came back in one piece.

The next morning I got up at my usual time. I dressed in my running clothes, ate a granola bar quickly. With bottled water in hand, I started off on my run. I was only going to make it a short run, as I had a meeting with Jennifer, a few other medical personnel and Mr. Woolsey at the same time that Lorne was leaving for his mission. Though my run was short, I had definitely worked up an appetite. After quickly changing into my bas uniform and throwing my hair into a neat pony tail, I headed down to the mess. I was glad to see fresh, hot scrambled eggs and hash browns.

After a few bites of breakfast and some sips of coffee, I reached into my pocket for my pills. I had a few on lookers. But hey, I was a health nut. I was a stickler for taking vitamins. I didn't care what they possibly thought it was. I finished my breakfast soon after.

Gathering my tray, I stood up, but there was someone now standing next to me. "Hello, I'm Dr. Garrett Saunders; you're Dr. Nicolette Kerrigan right?"

"Yes." I looked at him quizzically. Why had he waiting until I was trying to leave the mess to approach me.

"Well I just wanted to invite you to the movie night that some of us have every Thursday night. I'm not sure what is playing tonight, but it's at 8 in the media library."

"Thanks… I have to go now… umm… thanks for the invite Sanders." I was walking away from him when I heard him call the name correction at me. I didn't care. I dropped my tray in the designated area then quickly left for my quarters. I grabbed the tablet I was given and my headset from my quarters before heading up to the conference room. I had a few minutes to play around with, so I had taken my time. I guess I was hoping to catch glimpses of Lorne. Which I didn't.

Well it wasn't until I was at the top of the stairs, about to turn toward the conference room, when I saw him standing in the control room talking to John and Mr. Woolsey. Jennifer, who had also been over there, broke away from them and headed over to me.

"Morning Nicole."

"Morning Jennifer." I greeted her with a warm smile, but my eyes were on Lorne until he disappeared up a flight of stairs. John was watching me as I let Jennifer distract me to stand on the balcony outside the conference room. It overlooked the gate room. I watched as the Stargate came to life. I felt this odd sensation then looked up to see the ceiling of the gate room opening up and a small ship descending. It stopped just a couple of feet from the floor of the gate room. Seconds later the ship passed through the Stargate. I felt the odd sensation again as the ceiling close itself up again. We saw Mr. Woolsey heading from the control room over to the conference room. Before I could turn and go into what was probably going to be a boring meeting, John stopped me.

"Colette." His voice was very quiet. It was almost like he had misread my watching Evan just moments ago. "You okay? Did he talk to you last night?"

"Yes." I whispered back. "Everything is fine. Now isn't the time to talk to me about this. I have a meeting." John nodded and I slipped into the conference room. Luckily I was still ahead of Mr. Woolsey, even with my short conversation with John. I took a seat next to Jennifer; it seemed that it had been left open for me. Which I was grateful to be sitting next to her. Other then Jen and Mr. Woolsey, I didn't know anyone else that was in the room. It was rather discouraging. It had made me realize that even though this was my second full day here, I still didn't know anyone other then John's team, Lorne and Jennifer. Perhaps that movie night thing wouldn't be so bad if I went to it. Try to get to know a few people. After all I needed to present the front that they could come talk to me without having a problem. I had to make myself approachable.

I was taken out of my thoughts when a similar odd sensation went through me. A second later the doors to the conference room closed and Woolsey took a seat at the head of the table.

"While you all, for the most part know each other. I thought Dr. Kerrigan could benefit from a brief intro from each of you. Dr. Keller?"

"Mr. Woolsey, I have already met Dr. Kerrigan." He nodded then looked at the 4 others in the room.

"I'm Marie, Head RN."

"Dr. Tyler Putnam. I am the base pathologist."

"Dr. Heather Forbes. I am the other base psychologist."

The other man in the room was very quite. Woolsey eyed him, but still, he didn't introduce himself.

"I apologize for Dr. Lucas Reed. He is doctor in Dr. Keller's department."

"No need to apologize Mr. Woolsey. Introductions sometimes make a person nervous."

That prompted a rather interesting look from Dr. Reed, I didn't care though. Woolsey started the meeting. I was caught off guard when he was making me head of the psychology department. I objected, since Dr. Forbes had been around longer then me and was probably more qualified, but he didn't want to hear anything about it. There were 2 others that were coming to Atlantis that would be in my department as well. A psychiatrist and a therapist. I was honestly appalled. I would have to protest this further. I didn't want to manage others. Hell I didn't even really want to be doing anything in the Psychology department again. I hadn't actively practiced for sometime now. It was definitely daunting.

Once the meeting was over, I made sure to apologize to Dr. Forbes. Her only comment was that she was glad that it was me and not her. She couldn't bull shit a bull shitter. I knew she wanted the position herself. All I needed now was someone resenting me. I left the meeting with my tablet full of new files to go through and what Woolsey's expectations were for my submitted any and all necessary reports to be transmitted back to the SGC. He obviously needed to be corrected that until such a time as I deemed would I ever allow any of the doctors in my department to break the doctor patient privilege. I had to admit, I was starting to feel like I would enjoy my new role. Maybe Woolsey was hoping that I would be like my brother, that I would be good at what I do best. As much as I hated it, I had become a Psychologist because I was good at assessing people without them every saying a word. I laughed to myself as I headed down the infirmary, hoping Jennifer was back down here already.

She was, thankfully, and she was making her rounds through the few patients she had. She saw me, and after a moment, came over. "Patient or other?"

I laughed. "Other actually. So, a Dr. Saunders cornered me in the mess before the meeting, trying to get me to come to a movie night?"

"Oh, you didn't tell him yes did you?"

"No, but I was thinking about it."

"I'll save you the torture. I didn't have someone to save me from it. It's a small chapter of the Mensa guys. They never have any woman join them, so they try to rope in the new ones. Instead Nicole, you will join me and some other ladies for ladies poker night."

"That's not a good idea." She looked at me puzzled.

"Why not?"

"Well, it's a great idea for me, but not for anyone who planned on walking out a winner."

"Oh, Marie, looks like we have some competition against Major Teldy. Nicole thinks she'll beat us all like Teldy does."

"Well good luck. Anne is the best at poker." Jennifer was nodding in agreement with Marie. After a little more chat about tonight's festivities Jennifer said she's meet up with me to show me the easiest way to get to the 'secret' room we were going to play poker in.

I left the infirmary, looking forward to tonight. I meandered to my office, glad for the transporters because of how far away from the central tower it actually was. I was flipping through files on my tablet, not really paying attention to those that I walked by. Nor did I notice that Dr. Saunders was waiting, anxiously outside my office.

"Hello again Dr. Kerrigan." I blinked and looked up.

"Oh, hello Dr. Saunders. Something I can do for you?"

"Call me Garrett." That's when I noticed his Irish accent. "I was wondering if you gave anymore thought into coming to tonight's movie."

"Sorry Garrett. I already have plans this evening."

"Ladies poker night. Should have known with you being the Col. Sister, of course they'd get to you as fast as possible."

"Excuse me? I don't appreciate the presumption in your voice or your current attitude Dr. Saunders. Perhaps you have some issues you'd like to discuss. If that's the case I can set an appointment for you with Dr. Forbes. From what I hear she does wonders with Dr.'s and their egos." Saunders mouth hung open for a moment before he clenched his jaw tight and walked away. I shrugged. I didn't care. He was being a prat and I didn't want to put up with childish attitudes. I entered my office, and again, was surprised when there was someone waiting inside.

"Dr. Kerrigan?"

"Yes?"

"I'm Staff Sgt. Luis Alvarez. Dr. Forbes said that you might be available to talk?"

"Of course. Do you mind if I call you Luis?"

"Sure."

"What would you like to talk about?" Keeping my tablet in hand, I sat down in the chair across from. I much preferred to keep things as casual as possible. It let people open up better.

"Well ma'am, this is my latest post. I've been here a few months. I don't know how to deal with the pressure I'm getting from back home."

"What sort of pressure Luis?" And there it was. The key to him opening up. He went into detail about his wife back home, and his two kids, twins; one female, one male. He, since he left Earth for his post here, got several emails and letters from his wife, telling him to come home or it was over. She couldn't deal with having to be married to the Air Force instead of the man she married. I asked him how much longer on his tour that he had left, he admitted that he had only 2 months left, but requested to be assigned for a longer term as he rather enjoyed his new job.

I told him the best for him to do then was to let his wife know how he felt, not just about his job, since he couldn't go into the particulars, but to let her know through just as many letters and maybe a video message or two about how he loved her. Sometimes the simple sentiment alone was enough. I also told him not to pressure her to stay. To stand by any decision she made, regardless of the outcome. He agreed that he would do that, and thanked me profusely for my time. I hadn't realized it, but he had, that his 'hour' was up.

"Don't hesitate to come back to me at any time Luis. Even if it's to get frustration out, I have a few sturdy pillows that could use a good beating."

He laughed, a smile now on his face, unlike when I first noted him sitting in my office. "Next time I'll make an appointment instead of catching you off guard, ma'am. Thanks again." He walked out, at least started to. "Col."

"Sergeant." John noted him for a moment then continued into the room, basically letting the sergeant know to carry on about his day. "So, what was that about?" He nodded his head back at the door after it closed.

"Can't tell you John, you know that."

"Just tell me this, is whatever Alvarez came to talk to you about going to affect his duties."

"I don't foresee any problem. Besides, sometimes people just need an ear to listen then all if fine in their world."

"I suppose you are right. Not why I am here though." I wondered when he was going to get to why he was here. He dropped down in the seat that Alvarez had occupied as I stood and went to my desk. I sat down in my chair and placed the tablet down on the desk.

"So what do I owe a visit from my big brother for?"

"Did you really tell Saunders to seek psychological help for his ego?" He raised an eyebrow, as he tried to remain serious.

"In fact, I did. How did you hear about it already?"

"Rodney." John put his feet up on the other chair, lounging. "He over heard Saunders telling Zelenka. You'd be surprised at how much gossip runs through the city."

"No, I wouldn't. Don't forget, I used to work for the Navy, I know how scuttle butt can fly."

"Right. Anyway, I also hear that you have been pulled into Ladies Poker Night?"

"I certainly have."

"Well, go easy on 'em. Though Teldy will give you a run for your money. She's come close to bluffing me out of a decent sized pots."

"Well, you taught me everything I know card wise, and with my innate sense of reading a person, I shouldn't have a problem."

"Don't underestimate her. I did a few times, she has beaten me."

"Johnny, I've beaten you."

"Not the point. Anyhow, there is an occasional poker game that runs whenever there are enough people. Interested in playing whenever it pops up?"

"As long as it doesn't interfere with ladies poker, then you know I am."

John laughed. "Want to grab some lunch?"

"Not hungry, but thanks. I had a big breakfast."

"Well if you change your mind in the next half hour, you know where I'll be." I nodded as he got up. Before he left though, he pulled something out of his pocket. He placed a small statue of a little duck on my desk.

"Are you trying to imply I am still an ugly duckling?"

"No, just thought it would be good for a laugh. Don't need you turning to serious on me." I laughed as he did. I thanked him, he left. Not surprisingly the rest of the day I had no visitors, which was fine, I was reading through patient files.

I practically jumped when two granola bars skidded across my desk. I eyed them then looked up. John laughed.

"Didn't mean to startle you. Just figured you were hungry. You've been holed up in here all day."

"Thanks." I shut the tablet down and grabbed the granola bars. He came across the room to stand next to me before half leaning, half sitting on my desk. He handed me water.

"So why have you been in here all day? Not hiding from me I hope?"

"Why would I hide from you Johnny?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe you are actually mad about me talking to Lorne about you. Which by the way, what happened?"

"Not sure really. It's still sort of up in the air."

"Don't make me pry it out of you."

"Fine. Yesterday, when you saw us on the balcony, he told me about his mission and asked that if I found someone else that I didn't pass up the chance, since he didn't know how long he'd be gone. Well last night, he apologized for saying that to me and asked me to wait for him to get back from his mission and see where it goes."

"Sounds like a relationship to me."

"I don't really know about that though Johnny."

"Did you tell him that you wouldn't wait?"

"Of course not. I told him the truth; that I would have waited. Grant it I didn't tell him that it was also part out of curiosity and not just how I was starting to feel about him."

"You are screwed up in the head you know that?" He laughed, as did I.


	5. Ladies Poker Night: Round 1

**Chapter 5: Ladies Poker Night Round 1**

I finished my granola bar then started on the other one when the doors to my office opened up. Jennifer was standing there.

"Hope I'm not interrupting any sibling bonding or whatever."

"Hey Doc."

"Col. Sheppard. You ready Nicole?"

"Yeah." I stood up, gave John a quick kiss on the cheek, which in turn he squeezed my hand, then the three of us left my office. Jennifer and I went one way, while John went another. I felt her watching me.

"Something on your mind or do I have granola stuck in my front teeth?"

"Sorry, I'm just not used to seeing Col. Sheppard so close with, well anyone."

"Don't get used it Jennifer. It was a brief lapse in sanity for both him and me."

"Really? Doesn't seem that way to me."

I shrugged; I didn't really know what to say to that. John and I had an odd relationship to say the least. After a few turns, a few hallways, a trip in the transporter, and a few more hallways we were at a door. The door opened to a room with at least 5 other woman, all sitting around a table. Some of them had beers; I bet those were the military personnel of the group, while the others just had soda. I smiled. It was on.

"Jen, who'd you bring with you?" A red head asked.

"Well Missy, everyone, this is Dr. Nicolette Kerrigan. She's new to the expedition."

"Ah, the Col.'s sister." A blond rattled off, then grinned. "Well welcome to the bunch. I'm Maj. Anne Teldy. Just call me Anne."

"I'm Amelia Banks, control room technician." The red head who spoke before now clarified who she was.

"Well, you know Marie." Jennifer said. "Next to her is Dr. Allison Porter, Sgt. Missy Dent." The other two nodded as Anne placed a beer in my hand with a wink. I grabbed a seat, opposite from my biggest competition, Anne. I cracked open the beer as Missy dealt the cards. I was glad to see that it was Texas Hold 'Em. This was the better poker game I was at.

"So, did you hear? There's another rumor going around. Our newest participant, Nic here, told off Saunders." Amelia rattled off as she placed her bet.

"That true?" Anne asked.

"It is." I shrugged.

"Okay, I have one I doubt any of you have heard." Anne smirked. "Col. Sheppard and Maj. Lorne were over heard talking about one of the females of the expedition." Anne looked directly at me. The others gazes went to me as well. I blushed; I didn't like feeling all eyes on me.

"Okay, so I confess, I know their conversation was about me." Marie and Allison had folded, I raised and soon they went into their usual gossip. I learned that Jennifer and McKay had unsuccessfully tried to hide their relationship. Allison talked a lot about a Dr. Carson Beckett. They could all see that I hadn't met him yet. Apparently he was just here but went off world with Maj. Lorne and his team.

"Carson was the base Chief Medical Officer until he died several years ago." Jennifer had started to clarify.

"Then how, if he's dead, did he just go on a mission with Lorne?"

"Well, this is the Pegasus Galaxy, so what I tell you shouldn't shock you. There was this evil half human, half Wraith, that we called Michael. Michael cloned Carson without our knowing. Michael had taken Teyla hostage a few years back while she was pregnant with her son, Tourin." Jennifer had continued, but now Anne was taking over as we continued to play.

"Col. Sheppard and a team had gotten a possible location on Teyla, and mounted a rescue mission. They didn't find Teyla at this secret base; no instead they found someone who they thought had died nearly 2 years prior. They found a very much alive and cloned Dr. Carson Beckett."

Jennifer took back over explaining things. "Michael had been administering a serum to Carson to keep his organs from shutting down and degrading. It took me a few months, after Carson lay frozen in an ancient stasis pod, but I was able to replicate the serum. Carson was sent back to Earth for awhile, but then was brought back to help with medical needs off-world."

"With the Hoffin plague survivors?"

"How'd, yes but How'd you know?"

"I spent the better part of 6 weeks going through mission reports. Major Lorne had been kind enough, though I think it was from boredom, to give me the break down of each one while we were stuck on the Apollo."

They all looked at me and laughed. I blinked, not showing anything. That's when I got her. Anne slipped up; I knew she was bluffing the hand. I went back to playing some serious poker, raised the pot as high as I could get her to, and then sent her backing as I racked in my winnings.

"You just beat Anne... "Allison was stunned.

"I learned from the best."

"Col. Sheppard taught you didn't he?" Anne asked me.

"He did, but so did some of his old frat buddies from the weekend I snuck up to visit him at Stanford."

"Sheppard went to Stanford?" Anne asked, shocked, but she was ignored because I knew the look that was creeping over Jen's face.

"She has pictures of our dear Colonel from his frat boy days." Another round, Jennifer folded right away. I gulped down my beer as fast as possible, and got myself another. They all started to grow that mischievous look in their eyes. Johnny was going to kill me.

"So, your admission to next week's poker game is the pictures of Sheppard." Anne said with a smirk.

"I'd like to not die at the hands of my brother thank you very much."

"Would Sheppard really kill you? Are they that bad?"

Shit! I opened up my mouth and was getting myself in trouble. Thank god that we had been playing poker and I was concentrating on controlling the look on my face. If poker had not been the primary task at hand, they would have known just how bad the pictures were.

"No, John just is a very private person. My brother values his privacy. Tell me, how much do you know about my brother?"

None of them could give me more of an answer than he is a good military commander who loves football, Ferris wheel's, poker, beer, popcorn, women and didn't spend a lot of time with anyone outside his team. Anyone who spent any time with Sheppard, for more than five minutes, would know that.

"That is exactly what I mean. None of you knew where he went to college. I know Johnny can come off as anti-social, he's not. He, like me, is more comfortable when the less known, the better. We both function on a need to know basis."

"Damn, Jennifer, you weren't kidding. They really are alike."

I gave Jennifer a quizzical look and she just shrugged. I was going to have to drill her later to find out just what she had been saying about me and John. Anne lost another hand and sighed heavily as I collected the pot. We had played a few during the silences between questions and answers.

"Damn, 6 pots in a row. You're better at this than your brother." Allison commented.

"He's a man, need I saw more?" They all laughed as I took a sip of my beer, finishing it off. It was getting late, I was tired. Knowing how much work was ahead for the next few days made me tired. That was a sign that I was ready to hit the sack.

"Alright ladies," I stood up from the table. "It's been fun, but I am done. I know to quit when I am ahead."

"Same time next week, alright? I want to win back my money and win some of yours." Anne said with a rather large smirk on her face.

"You can try." I grinned as they others almost spit out the beer's they were finishing off as they started to clean up. I turned, winnings in my pocket, and left the others to their own devises and the gossip that was sure to follow.

I got to the end of the hall when I noticed John waiting for me. "Been here long Johnny?"

"Nope just got here actually. I figured you'd be calling it quits soon. Figured I'd come see how you did."

"I kicked Anne's ass all over the place. Won every pot I bet in too."

"How many?"

"Well, six large pots in a row. Anne managed to get me to fold nearly right off the bat. She laid down for us all to see the aces in her hand. She was all in from there, thinking I'd go up against her, even with her luck of the draw."

"You weren't doing that counting cards thing were you?"

"What are you talking about? I can't count cards." I feigned mock innocence as we walked to my quarters. He laughed at me, than turned very serious.

"I'm going off world tomorrow. Just re-establishing trade negotiations with some of Teyla's old alliances, would you like to come along?" I stopped in my tracks, was he seriously asking me if I wanted to step through the Stargate onto another planet? Did he even really have the authority to ask me?

"Am I even allowed to go off-world, given my profession?"

"I cleared it with Woolsey. Eventually everyone on base will get off-world at least once, to get a feeling for it, in case something happens. And I mean more then the base being evacuated to the Alpha or Beta sites."

"Sure, I would love to!"

"Did anyone ever have you take the weapons proficiency?"

"Yeah, they knew that I had permits for the two guns you have me years back. So they asked me to take the proficiency as a just in case thing."

"Good, then you can at least carry when we go off-world tomorrow."

"Taking weapons to trade renegotiations doesn't exactly scream we come in peace."

John laughed as we got closer to my quarters. I hadn't realized, from my excitement of him asking, how far we actually went, through corridors, transporters and stairwells. John was always good at distracting me from paying attention to anything.

"Well, they understand and know that we have been attacked off-world before and if we go off-world, we prepare for the worst possible scenario. These people are one of our oldest trading partners. They are fine with it."

"Still, it gives the wrong impression, at least to me it does. Sorry. I have been in a very 'psychologist' mode all day."

John sighed and looked at me. I wasn't quite sure what made the sudden change in his mood, nor, at this time did I really care. I had a great night, won more hands then I lost at poker. Beat the one woman who was unbeatable for ladies poker night and was now being told that I would be going on an off-world mission. There was only one thing that could make this night any better, but it was something that I knew wouldn't happen for some time.

We were unusually quite as we headed the rest of the way to my quarters. I don't know if it was because John felt guilty for Evan being sent on such a long mission, or if there was something else he wasn't telling me. I rather hoped it was the latter. I didn't like it when John kept things from me, thinking I'd be better off not knowing. However, if was something to do with this new life I was leading, maybe, just maybe, he was doing the right thing this time. Perhaps that was it. I didn't ask him as we reached my quarters. He mumbled a good night and a time to be up and ready to go by. John left before I could ask him where to meet him come morning. Since he said nothing, I assumed he would meet me here. I made a mental note to radio him come morning to find out.

I was uncharacteristically exhausted. I knew, even before playing poker that I had a long day. I thought that playing and getting to know some of the others here would have not made me so damned tired. Nevertheless, I was lying in my bed, eyes drifting closed in a matter of minutes.


	6. Anything That Can Go Wrong Will

**Chapter 6: Anything That Can Go Wrong, Will.**

It wasn't something that happened very often. Heck, it hardly ever happened. I somehow managed to sleep in past my blazing alarm. It actually had gotten to the point where John had come into my quarters to wake me up. It honestly wasn't all that surprising after how I felt when going to bed last night. Those I no longer felt exhausted, physically, mentally was an entirely different story.

I had very odd dreams all night long. Some were very disturbing. Gruesome and grotesque would probably be the best choice of words for those dreams. They weren't quite what I would constitute as nightmares. My nightmares, on the rare occasion's that I have one, leave me gasping for breath and afraid to sleep for days on end. No, these were more manifestations of fears over the trip off-world today. I couldn't explain it to John, though, as the concerned brother, he did ask.

It just seemed like it was going to be one of those days. I was quick to dress as he waiting outside. He had a quicker pace then normal this morning, or so I perceived. Must have just been because of the rough night I had, mentally. McKay, Ronon and Teyla were waiting in the mess when John and I joined them for breakfast. The other's seemed to know there was something a bit off with me today as I didn't comment on McKay's snide remarks. They said nothing, because for all they knew about me, this could be how I really am and it just took me feeling comfortable here for this side to come out in me. Though from the look John miserably tried to conceal, I knew they knew something was off with me.

The mission prep was long. Rather the meeting Mr. Woolsey wanted with the team and I seemed rather long and unnecessary. I knew John and his team were well, very well seasoned at going off-world, and had many trade negotiation missions in the past. Perhaps the fact that I was going with them, as my first trip off-world, was the reason behind it.

When we finally entered the locker room, John handed me a Tac-Vest and whispered to me. "Colette, you sure you're up for this today? We can always make your first off-world trip for when you are more yourself."

I smiled it him for the concern, but it was unwarranted. There was no way that I was going to put this off. I was very anxious to step through the Stargate for the very first time. It meant more to me that I was able to do it along side my brother and his closest friends. It was oddly comforting, even though his team was quite the unique bunch of people. As John handed me a 9mm Beretta, McKay started whining.

"Are you seriously giving the new girl a weapon to go off world with? I didn't start carrying weapons until… god what was it? Like my 23rd mission or so?"

"Difference McKay, Colette had already passed the weapon proficiencies needed to be allowed to carry a weapon off world. That was something you put off for a very long time."

"Still, it's not fair. The rookie should have to wait."

"Rodney, knock it off or I'll let Ronon shoot you."

I snickered as they bickered like school children. I pretended to ignore them as I inspected the weapon. I checked to make sure there wasn't a round in the chamber. I got nervous, even with the safety on, when there was the one in the chamber. I removed the clip, inspected the chamber again, the replaced the clip after letting the chamber close. Pressing the safety into place I slid it into the holster on the side of my leg. McKay was looking at me in shock. John, who had taught me all I know about weapons, didn't seem to notice or care. Ronon and Teyla seemed to approve of my knowledge of the weapon.

Teyla tossed me a radio as her and Ronon left for the jumper bay. Rodney went to something again about the weapons when John handed me a P-90. I quickly went through the same weapons check, zipped up my TAC-vest and clipped on the P-90. Rodney left quietly as John did a quick inspection.

"See, all good. I told you that you would have made a great officer."

"And I told you, I wasn't interested."

"Are you now?"

"No. This is good enough for me." John laughed and led the way to the jumper bay. This was one place John or that sergeant hadn't taken me on the tours they gave me. Seeing the jumper for the first time left me awe struck. I felt a strange pull to these ships. It was a strange sensation to describe. Harder still to understand where the sudden onset of these feelings came from. It was stranger still as John and I headed into Jumper 1 where Teyla, Ronon and McKay were already waiting. The lights were on, but that was about it. John made Rodney give up the Co-pilot seat. I tentatively sat down. My fingers barely brushed the little bit of console before me and the Jumper sprang to life in a most unexpected way. I nearly jumped as I flinched backwards. I wanted to get out of the seat and be off the Jumper in such a fierce way. An alien ship coming to life, merely at my touch, was frightening to say the least.

McKay made some sort of comment, but he was hard to understand as he was grumbling. John smirked and looked at me. He gave me a look telling me to breath and that everything was normal. Normal my ass! I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to run. For the first time, in my few short days on Atlantis, I wanted to go home to Earth. My right hand, which was out of sight from the others, was gripping the seat I was in so hard, my knuckles were turning white. I kept the rest of my body calm as we lowered into the gate room. I hadn't noticed when John had dialed the gate from where he sat. His hands on the controls, he flew the ship through the event horizon of the Stargate. Crippling fear. Mind crippling fear enveloped my body. I couldn't explain it. I knew that going through the gate was something these people had done hundreds, if not thousands of times. It was something, I hadn't realized, terrified me.

"Nicolette." Teyla's voice came from behind me. Even though we were now through the gate, on an alien planet, I was still holding my breath from the fear. "Dr. Kerrigan." That did it, I snapped out of my fear induced trance and turned in the seat to look at her. As I did I noticed an odd smirk on John's face; one that I had the sudden and overwhelming urge to smack right off of his face.

I blinked. "Yes Teyla?"

"Are you alright? You seemed like you were holding your breath."

"Really? Hmm… interesting." I turned back to face forward, acting as if I had no idea what she was talking about. Something about how this 'simple' mission, as John had called it, was going for me, personally, already, it didn't seem to bode well for an easy day for me.

John set the Jumper down about a mile or so away from the village that we were heading to. I waited until John was out of the pilot's seat before I stood and followed him and the others out the back of the Jumper. I was rather quiet as we headed towards the village. I was still in awe of the fact that I was on another planet. Still, however, unable to shake the residual fear that had settled upon me. I couldn't be sure what John was thinking about my silence, because he walked in front of me with Rodney, Teyla walked right beside me, but was talking to the others. Ronon brought up the rear, every now and then adding a few bits to the conversation they were having. Something about a movie that John had showed to Ronon and Teyla a few days back. Rodney complained that the movie was horrible and show cased everything that was wrong with American television. At this, I finally spoke up.

"Leave it to a Canadian to pick on American television. Some of the greatest movie classics of all time and television shows are American made."

"Have not."

"Seriously? That is all the come back the great Dr. Rodney McKay has to offer? Maybe you have been hanging around my brother too much." John eyed me as the others laughed. Though I think Ronon and Teyla were more laughing at my poking fun at Rodney then anything else. I slipped back into my silence as we continued walking to the village.

At this point I was having a hard time concentrating on what they were talking about, so much as looking around this alien planet. It was hard to get my head around the fact that I was on a planet that during a certain time period, could have very well been Earth. Save, for the fact that some plants just didn't look like anything that one would find on Earth, but I knew that this wasn't Earth.

My pace must have slowed because Teyla touched my arm gently. "Dr. Kerrigan, are you alright?"

I looked at her for a moment, remembering what it was that I should have been doing. "Yes, sorry. There is just so much about this world that is so similar to Earth."

"Pick up the pace Colette, we don't have all day."

Teyla had been about to say something to me when John shouted his command back in my direction. I did as he said, and picked up the pace of my walking. Ten minutes later we came upon a village that looked like a little hamlet during Shakespearean times. It almost felt like I was about to step into time and come out in the past. However something was most definitely different. There was a feeling that I got. These people did not much like John and his team. Or so it seemed from their faces.

It could very well have been that they just didn't like outsiders, which, in instances of small communities like this that is always the way things were. It was obvious that we were expected as a woman, dressed finer than the others, with two men, similarly dressed followed behind her, approached us.

"Col. Sheppard, Teyla Ammaggen, Ronon Dex, Dr. McKay, welcome back to Juntire."

"Qeile, Brodren, Rafdin." Teyla greeted in return. "It is a pleasure to see you again."

"You have a new companion with you." Brodren, one of the two men stated the obvious.

"Hope you don't mind. This is Dr. Nicolette Kerrigan."

"She is of your people Colonel?"

John nodded.

"Then she is most welcome among us. Please, follow me, we have much to discuss and little time to discuss it." They followed the three natives to an ornate looking building. At least as ornate as one could get in a village such as this. It seemed to be a tavern or bar of some sort for the wealthier of the village, or possibly the area. I was more interested in the minds of these people. Though the feeling had lessened since Qeile had greeted us, it was still there in the back of my mind.

I very much wanted to study these people, have a glimpse into their psyche. Instead I simply listened to the trade negotiations. My mind kept wandering though when I would catch curious glances in my direction. I wasn't sure if it was Rafdin or Brodren, but one of them was more interested in looking at me then at what was being discussed.

A heated argument began between John and Qeile. Qeile, Brodren and Rafdin were heads of their villages. The three largest and closest to the gate. They wanted a promise of better protection and manpower to adjust for the need to use new land for crop yielding.

"Manpower is not something I can agree to without speaking to the leader of my people. As for protection, you have never needed that in the past, why now?"

"It is not from Wraith, but from savages." Qeile stated heatedly.

"It is not really savages Qeile speaks of. We call them thus because they are from villages on the other side of this planet. They travel towards the gate every now and then. The journey is a treacherous one and tends to bring out the worst in those that attempt the journey. As of late more and more of these savages have been making their way onto our lands and into our villages. Stealing the crops we so desperately need, stealing from even the poorest of our people, and attempting to overthrow any patrol we send to the gate."

"It sounds like they are trying to get off world. Any reason why they would want to leave?" I spoke up for the first time, receiving a curious glance from John, but he said nothing.

"We do not know what happens on the other side of our planet. Or what happens to those that attempt the journey." Brodren, I think, said that.

"Have you ever tried to ask?"

"Speak to one of the savages? Surely not. Once they are seen, we make sure that they are forced to stay away." Rafdin scoffted.

"Have you thought that the reason they resorted to stealing is because they are starving and just wish for food and water? A person can be driven to thing they may have never done after experience extreme changes in their way of life."

"Why share with these savages when they would steal from us?" Qeile asked interested in what I had to say suddenly.

"Ever consider sharing with them food, shelter and water, even for a night? It may stop the thieving."

"How would this be done?" Qeile asked, taking my words under consideration.

"Instead of scaring away the next 'savage' that comes along, offer them food and water and shelter for a night or two. Speak to them to find out where they are headed. If it's the gate, ask why the urgent need to get off the planet."

"You think there is something they are running from on the other side of the planet?"

"I have no idea. It would make sense though. For a person to risk a journey, that you say is treacherous and long, they would have to be driven to do so. Either from fear of another person, or fear of something greater."

"You have wise words into the makings of the savages. Perhaps instead of the protection bargain, we keep you instead." Brodren said with a cocky smile.

"Excuse me?" John sputtered.

"She may be of importance to your people Colonel, but it would seem that she is able to help us with a problem that is plaguing us. Surely you can give her to us. Would you really miss one when your people are so many?"

Teyla put a restraining hand on John's arm and Ronon hovered behind me now, suddenly on his feet.

"How dare you! You don't even know anything about her to assume that we would just give her to you." John snarled.

"Brodren is right. She is but one and you are many. She would have a good life here. She would make a good wife to someone, eventually."

"If you ever speak about my sister like that again, I will end this trade partnership with taking your lives."

"Colonel! Please. Forgive Brodren and Rafdin. They did not know that Dr. Kerrigan was your sister."

"I doubt that would make any difference. Someone from our people will get back to you about the need for help with the crops. My sister gave you a solution to your problem. IF and I mean IF what she suggested doesn't work, then we can talk about protection for your people."

"Certainly Colonel, I think that is most agreeable for the time being."

Well this was certainly an interesting trade negotiation to sit in on. I so desperately wished that I had kept my mouth shut and just leave things alone. On the one hand it was a possible peaceful solution to the villages problem. However it also made them tried to get owner ship of me as if I were a slave of some sort. While that had angered me more then anything, and Ronon had been standing by incase of a temper flare up, I was more shocked by it all then anything else.

Without another word, we were on our feet and heading out of the tavern. Brodren wouldn't stop staring at me. This time however, his gaze was a mixture of things, things I didn't even want to think about.

On our way out of the village, a large crowd was gathering in the square for some sort of celebration. I was not sure how, but I had gotten separated from John and the others. I looked around. I saw John, who had doubled back, and went to call to him and move towards him, when a hand clasped over my mouth. I was dragged back into a dimly lit alleyway between two houses. It was Brodren. I heard someone else, perhaps it was Rafdin, but I couldn't see with how little light was here.

"You really should consider staying here with us. We would make it worth your while you know." He pressed up against me, I reached behind me as he pushed me against a wall of one of the houses. I brought the knife John made sure I had out with my left hand. My right had wasn't free, yet. I held the knife to his throat and pushed him off of me.

Now that my right hand was free I picked up the P-90. I lowered the knife, but shouldn't have. Brodren or whoever else was there kicked my hand into the wall. I heard and felt a snap. I knew my hand was broken. I firmly brought the P-90 back into my shoulder and aimed it at them.

"I'm sure you boys have seen what this weapon, or any weapons that me and my people carry are capable of. I suggest you disappear. Try anything and I will kill you. I will chalk this up to temporary stupidity and not ruin the trade alliance that is between our two peoples. Next time, neither of you will be lucky." My pulse was definitely racing as I back out of the alley, keeping the weapon trained on them. I lowered it once I was into the crowd enough that they wouldn't be able to try that again. I found John easily enough, and after radioing the others to meet outside of town, we headed there ourselves.

It wasn't until we were almost back to the jumper when John noticed my knife was missing, and my hand, which I had been doing my damnedest to hide from him, was swollen and bruised.

"What the hell happened to your hand and where is your knife?"

"I think I broke me hand. As for my knife, I don't know. On of the villagers could have swiped it."

"Colette."

I sighed, I knew better than to try and lie to John, but I tried anyway and failed.

"Okay, I'll tell you, when we are back on Atlantis while Dr. Keller is taking care of my hand."

"No."

"Please John. It hurts like a son of a bitch and I need to keep my mind off the pain, not thinking about how it happened."

It had to have been my calling him John instead of Johnny that got him to agree. I really didn't care at this point. I just wanted to be off this planet and back in Atlantis. I was having a very rough beginning week, and at least with the break in my hand, I would be able to take things easy for a while. Let myself get properly settled in here.

John had the most experience with being a field medic than the rest of them. At least in my opinion he did. Despite my yelling at him to leave me alone and fly the damned Jumper so Rodney didn't kill us, he refused. He sat in the back with me, examining my hand to see if the break was really a break or just a fracture. Suddenly his insistence to make sure I was alright was very annoying. I knew, other than the pain, I was fine. He just really annoyed me. It was more to do with the fact that I felt like he was babying me, rather than acting himself. Then I realized how cold his assessment of my broken hand was. Though he gingerly touched my swollen hand, as to not cause me any pain, he took out an ace bandage from somewhere that I hadn't seen, and made a sort of sling that held my broken hand to my chest. Inventive was certainly a good word for it.

As much as he had been annoying me, his cold looks over my broken hand upset me. God, typical sister aren't I? I find him annoying when I think he is babying me, but when I realize he isn't, I want him to and it hurts, emotionally, that he isn't. My acting like a petulant younger sister, in mind only, helped pass the time to the point that I hadn't realized we were through the gate and Rodney was settling the Jumper in its place in the Jumper Bay. The second the Jumper was landed John had hopped up and opened the back.

Dr. Keller and Mr. Woolsey were standing there, Jennifer awaiting to take care of my injury and Woolsey to find out what happened to me and probably to tell John that I would never be allowed to go off world on mission again. After my first experience off world, that suited me just fine.

"Nikki, what the hell did you do to your hand?" Jen almost laughed, but held it in as Woolsey eyed me, unhappily.

"I didn't do this to my hand Jennifer. It was done to it. There is a difference." She rolled her eyes and started with me towards the infirmary. John, after saying something to Woolsey was only a few steps behind, leaving Rodney, Teyla and Ronon in the Jumper Bay as we walked the short distance to the infirmary.


	7. The Fundamentals of 'Taking it Easy'

**Chapter 7: The Fundamentals of 'Taking it Easy'**

Pain killers were a beautiful thing. It had gotten me through the first three days of 'taking it easy' after the mission and my hand being broken. Once it was confirmed that it was more than a facture, my small bone in my hand reset and put in a small cast I had to explain what happened to John, Mr. Woolsey and Jennifer. Rodney had come by as I was about to explain things, I think mostly to see Jennifer, but he did ask how I was. I have a feeling that was more to show that he can get along and be nice instead of acting like an intolerable git.

Mr. Woolsey had agreed, knowing John's temper that I had made the right decision by waiting to explain what happened. He also agreed that I made a good call by telling my attackers that their actions would not cause the trade alliance to end. I think that had surprised Woolsey. I imagine after discovering that I was injured on a simple trade mission, that he thought I was exactly like John. Somewhat hot headed and someone who could get out of line even if a situation didn't call for it.

Of course he was right about me, but things were different now. That was before I had been off world and thinking about how much Atlantis does rely on its trading partners for food. I think it also had to do with my frame of mind. I was very much 'in the zone' as it could be called. I was doing a job, nothing more. Yes it presented its risks, as with all jobs, though this one was quite different.

None the less I was ecstatic to hear that Mr. Woolsey hadn't forbidden me from accompanying teams, not just John's, off world in the future. Which, for the time being, I minded, but said nothing. I think I was just having a run of bad luck with certain aspects of my life right now. I had a feeling that my opinion of off world travel would change after my next mission. One I'm sure John would arrange as soon as Jennifer cleared me for it.

I had been told to rest for a few days and hold off doing any work. I, from a long time ago, had built up a tolerance for pain killers, and well being the good doctor she is, Jennifer wanted to make sure that the dosage she was giving me wasn't going to, as she put it, 'make you high as a kite and as loony as a clown'. What could I say, she is a bit odd. I think it has to do with dating Rodney for so long.

So for almost a week after the break in my hand, I found myself going stir crazy from hanging around my office, with no patients, hanging around my quarters with not much to do. I was also getting very antsy with not being able to do my usual daily run. Though I didn't see what running had to do with my casted hand healing. Doctor's orders right? Wrong, I wasn't about to sit around for another week before she would clear me to at least do my daily run. After the second day of my feeling useless and unable to do my usual daily routine, I apparently became very bitchy and nasty as John was no longer coming to check on me. Not in the slightest. I couldn't blame him though.

I had been wrong to yell at him like I had. He was just concerned for me, and I threw it back in his face. I think it had been the pain killer's to tell you the truth. I was in a lot of pain when I told that to John, Jennifer hadn't yet found the right dosage. So I found myself, at least today, wanting to find him to apologize. However, before I did that, so I wouldn't snap at him, I needed more then anything else, to go on a run. Since I had been lounging around in sweats all day, it was one less thing to worry about. I still had to get my sneakers on and tied without using my left hand much, or at all.

That part had taken me a few minutes, but I got it done anyhow. I had started to keep a small supply of bottled water in my quarters; I had gotten sick of going down to the mess for them. I left the radio on my ear, as Jennifer liked to check in with me at least once during the day, and at odd hours. I had a feeling that was more at John's request then her doing her job. I had broken a bone before and no doctor ever constantly checked up on me.

So I found myself out of my quarters, walking at first. Once I was in the clear, and in a fairly uninhabited part of the city, I began my run. After a good twenty minutes, pulse racing, and getting a good sweat going, I was starting to realize why Jennifer had said I shouldn't run. I was feeling a small twinge of pain in my hand near the break. Due to how hard and fast I was running, the fast and pounding tempo of my pulse, made it apparent that I may have nicked a nerve or a small blood vessel. Rather the man who broke my hand did. I quickly found the nearest balcony and stepped outside to overlook the city. The fresh air was a comfort against my sweat covered skin.

After a few long breaths, swigs of water and quiet moments of staring out over the city, I headed back to my quarters, via the closest transporter. I was surprised, that when I approached, to find Mr. Woolsey outside my door.

"Mr. Woolsey?"

"Ah, Dr. Kerrigan, I was just looking for you."

"Is there something that I can help you with?"

"No actually, something I can help you with."

"What may that be?"

"Putting you back on active duty as it were."

"You're granting my request to be able to see patients than?"

"I am. Dr. Keller agrees as well. Now that the pain medication for your hand seems to be in order, she sees no reason why you should be held from doing your job."

"Thank you Mr. Woolsey. It is much appreciated."

"You are welcome Dr. Kerrigan." Woolsey than looked over me, as if realizing why I was away from my quarters.

"Out running?"

"Not at all. I just took a rather long walk is all. Not allowed to go running by doctor's orders, so there is no reason why I can't take a brisk walk."

"Yes well, carry on." Woolsey left quickly. He was an odd little man, but as such, I knew he was accustomed to short, to the point conversations and not one for small talk. I could not fault the man. I wasn't much of the socialite either.

I stepped into my quarters to find John, sitting on my bed, looking rather impatient. I winced from the look on his face. I wasn't about to lie to him about where I had been or what I had been doing. There was something I had to get out of the way first.

"Before you say anything Johnny, you need to hear me out on one thing first."

"Go ahead Colette."

"Don't look at me like that." The look on his face still hadn't changed, he was actually making me feel a little unnerved, not something he had ever been able to do before. Regardless of how many times I had apologized to him over the years after fights, he never made me feel this way. "Look, I'm sorry that I went all, well there really isn't a good way to explain how I acted or things that I said. It's not entirely my fault. I was hopped up on pain killers. I'm not making excuses, as usual, I am trying to apologize to you without looking like an ass while doing it."

Johnny sighed, his face changed. Finally. "Colette, I'm not mad at you over that. Okay, maybe I was, but I came here to drag you to lunch, something I know you haven't eaten in days, only to find your running clothes gone."

"You went through my clothes?"

"Sort of a give away when you base uniform is folded neatly on the edge of the bed with your boots right below it on the floor. I noticed your sneakers were gone, and the sweatshirt that is never put away, was gone. I'm not an idiot."

"No, just a very observant over bearing big brother."

"Trust me though, I know why you went running. You don't have to worry about me ratting on you to Dr. Keller. I would have done the same thing."

"I'm sure that you would have. You still want to grab a bite to eat with your stubborn sister?"

Johnny laughed and nodded. A short while later, and a change of clothes, we were sitting in the mess with Rodney, eating and just chatting about nothing in particular. I was starting to actually like Rodney. He wasn't trying to be over bearing, trying to flaunt his intellect. He had been surprised that, while I wasn't as smart as Johnny, that I was damn close. Though, I am sure that he had been quite surprised when he found out that Johnny could have been a part of MENSA if he had wanted to.

In the Sheppard family, an overly high aptitude came with the territory. Dave had a head for the family business, Johnny, while extremely smart, had found the perfect fit, his aptitude for the military and how things were done. Me? I wasn't quite sure that I had found mine yet. While, growing up, I always wanted to be a psychologist, art of all forms had been my passion. I guess maybe in art is where my aptitude lay. Not many artists have a talent for sketching, and being able to write and play music, let a lone a few instruments. I guess in that regard I was an over achiever. Once you conquer one instrument, it really wasn't much harder to conquer more. At least it hadn't been hard for me. However, what was hard for me right now was not playing music at all. I had a feeling I should have at least brought my violin, but I opted not to. I've had the thing since I was little. While now it was technically too small for me, it held sentimental value and I was still comfortable playing it.

McKay was looking at me, and so was Johnny, one of them must have been talking to me cause they looked like they were waiting for an answer. "What?"

"Did you just go space case on us or something?"

"Yeah, sorry… I was just thinking about one of my belongings that I wished I had brought with me from Earth, that's all. Sorry… what did I miss?"

"We asked you if you were up for having some beers out on the pier."

"At lunch time?" I was puzzled.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yes Nicolette, right now, in the middle of the day, when we are still all technically on duty." He laughed. "No, tonight space case."

"Oh, sure. Well, depends, what kind of beer?"

"You bring your own. It's stocked in the mini-fridge I had put in your quarters." Johnny said as he looked at me. Then it dawned on me that I recognized the look on his face. He hadn't been waiting for an answer from me, since he knew that I was going to say yes, he was concerned for me. It was more than that, he looked like he felt guilty. I wonder if it was because he thought I was upset that Evan was away on a mission and perhaps felt guilty about it. Or it was him beating himself up over what happened to me on my first mission.

Whatever it was, he was annoying me. I did love my brother and I loved that he was concerned, but I know the weight of the guilt that he carries for all of those expedition members that he has lost over the years, especially those in the military, under his direct command. I did not want to start another fight with him, so I excused myself, claiming that I had to get caught up on work, now that I was allowed to be on duty again.

I wandered to my office, slowly at first, not really wanting to go there, but knowing that if I put off returning to work until tomorrow, there would just be that much more that I would have to sift through. I tried to read a few notes from my department on how some of their patients were doing, but my mind kept wandering. At some point I had gotten up and walked out onto the balcony, letting the sea air flow around me, its scent relaxing me. My mind however, was on Evan. I was starting to think that I should ask Johnny if Evan has checked in at all, but I don't want to seem overbearing about it. I'm sure that he felt guilty enough for sending someone I was getting close to away.

I had left my radio on my desk and was startled when someone cleared their throat to get my attention. Startled I turned to find Major Teldy standing there. "Anne, sorry, you startled me."

"Sorry, I was standing here a bit before I cleared my throat."

"It's alright. What's up?"

"I actually wanted to talk to you about something work related."

"Like what?"

"Well, Allison, Dr. Porter, is being reassigned and returning to Earth at the end of the month and that will leave an opening on my team. I know you are weapons capable and have some training with combat, even if it was just through Colonel Sheppard."

"You want me to join your off-world team?"

"I do. Look, I know at ladies poker night, we were very competitive, but I would hate for you to have to sit in Atlantis and not see the Pegasus Galaxy at all. I still would have to clear it with Colonel Sheppard and Mr. Woolsey, but if you are up to it, I would like you on my team."

"Wow, I am surprised Anne. I will admit that I am not anxious to get off-world again, but it could be fun. Alright, after Allison leaves, and as long as John and Mr. Woolsey are alright with it, then I will join your team."

"What are you smiling about?"

"Oh, just the fact that this may just get me out of having to be the head of my department."

Anne laughed. "You don't want to be the head of the quacks?"

I had to laugh as well. "Certainly not. Woolsey pushed it on me. Thought that it would be a good fit, seeing as my brother does well in leadership positions. That and I think he was hoping that with me being senior staff that it might keep John paying attention at meetings."

"Nothing but a room full of nearly naked women or a friend in danger, could keep the Colonel's attention at one of those meetings. I had to sit through one not too long ago."

"Are they dreadful?"

"Very much so. There is another before Allison leaves, and with Major Lorne being off world, though I am not the next senior most major on the base, I am acting second in command while Lorne is on his mission."

"Ah."

"Sorry. I know something is going on between you two, even if you are just close friends. I wouldn't have brought it up."

"It's fine Anne. I don't want to ask John this, but do you know if Evan has checked in at all? I mean I know it's only been just over a week since he left, but a girl is allowed to worry right?"

"I have a meeting with Colonel Sheppard later. I'll see if I can find out then and let you know."

"Thanks Anne. And let me know what Woolsey and John say about me joining your team."

"I will. See you later."

"Bye." Anne left me on the balcony of my office, and my mind had stopped racing. I don't know if it was because I had a sense of peace about me, or because I just didn't want to think of all the things that could go wrong on an off-world mission. God, I was starting to sound like Rodney, at least in my own head I was. I completely planned to keep that all to myself.

I still had about an hour or two before I thought John would be nagging me to join him and Rodney out of the pier for some beers. I opted to have a quick dinner and try and catch up on work. I had made the quick run to the mess and brought my food back to my office, radio now right where it belonged. This way, if John decided to radio me instead of barging into my office, I would be able to stop his barging routine he had gotten used to. So, here I sat, eating what resembled some sort of chicken dish, though if it was chicken, I wasn't really paying attention to the flavor of the food, so I had no idea what I was eating. I was completely intent on the work at hand. After being antsy and feeling useless, I was making sure not to let myself feel like that again. Definitely a good way to kill time before a night that should become an interesting one, especially where Johnny and alcohol was concerned.


	8. Drunken Remarks and Sober Musings

**The Colonel's Sister and the Major**

**Chatper 8: Drunken Remarks and Sober Musings **

I don't know how long I sat in my office for, or how long it had been since I had gone for dinner, but suddenly, and as usual, John was standing in the doorway to my office.

"Ever heard of a radio?"

"Ever heard of working too hard?"

"Yes, that is why I am drinking with you and Rodney tonight."

"Teyla, Ronon, Jennifer and Carson will be joining us too."

"Okay."

"So what is this I hear about you accepting Major Teldy's offer to be a part of her team?"

"I thought getting off world and not being cooped up all the time would be a good thing. Isn't that why you wanted me to go off world with you in the first place?"

"It is, just after what happened on your first mission, I didn't think you'd want anything to do with off world missions and the like."

"Well, I'm not jumping into it right away. Besides, me accepting her offer doesn't mean that Woolsey will allow it. If I am not mistaken both you and he have the right to veto a decision on teams."

"Woolsey only does when it comes to department heads, otherwise its all my decision."

"I figured as much."

"You don't think he will okay it do you?"

"Honestly? I am skeptical. Part of me wants him to say yes. The other part of me doesn't want to even think about going out there again. I mean I know there have been worse missions in the near 15 years that the Stargate program has been running, but it still doesn't change the fact that I didn't have the greatest first mission."

"That is true, you didn't. Not c'mon, before I have to drag your ass down to the pier. The other should be there already."

I got up, locking everything up as I always did and walked out of my office, trailing behind John for a few moments, before walking next to him. On the walk to the pier, I asked him about stopping by my quarters for my beer, to which he informed me that he already got it and it was on its way with Rodney to the pier. I scolded him like a child for barging into my quarters without my knowledge, but that was just the way that Johnny did things with me. He didn't ask for permission, he just did it.

I was going to have to change that if things worked out with Evan once he came back from his mission. Yes, he was going to come back to me. Both he and I wanted to let things go well between us, we decided that we wanted there to be an us, but part of me was worried that I wasn't enough of an incentive for him to come back to. What if, during the time that he was gone on this mission, time away from me, that he realized he didn't want me after all or that I wasn't good enough for him. I looked down at my feet and pushed the thought away. I couldn't think that way. It was surprising at how badly it upset me to even think like that.

A few minutes later, Johnny and I were walking towards laughter and chatter on the end of the pier, the others were there already, and had started drinking without us. Only seeing their laughter, did I realize that this just may a very entertaining and interesting night, more so than I thought it was going to be. Once Johnny and I joined the others, beers were being put in our hands before we could greet anyone. Carson seemed to already have had quite a bit to drink as his accent was getting so thick it was difficult to understand him.

"How long have you been drinking Carson?"

"Oh, 'bout fifteen minutes love, but Athosian wine is very and strong and good!" I had to keep from laughing. Sure, out of everyone here, Carson was the one I knew the least, but this was very funny to me.

"Would you care to try some Nicolette?" Teyla asked me. I wasn't sure so I looked at Johnny who nodded with a smirk on his face. A little apprehensive, I smiled and nodded to Teyla.

"Alright, I will. Thanks." Teyal handed me the wine as Johnny watched me sip it, wait for my reaction. He never got one. After the first sup I decided it tasted good, so I downed the rest as quickly as humanly possible and started on the beer in my hand.

"Your sister can drink, huh Colonel?" Carson asked.

"Unfortunately." Came his response.

"Well she downed that wine in a hurry and seems fine." Carson commented, studying me.

"Oh, she'll be fine for a while, until she starts running her mouth, doc."

I ignored the conversation as in between gulps, not sips, of my beer, I told Teyla what I thought of the wine and was offered more. She offered me instead, a stronger Athosian drink. I was eager and certainly ready to try it. After the types of guys that I used to spend time with, it was hard as hell to be the only one not able to hold their own liquor. Drinking in general had become quite the game for me. One I wasn't sure Johnny would let pan out, as he knew how I could get.

He didn't stop me. Two hours later, seven beers, four shots of my weakness, Tequila, and three glasses of the stronger Athosian drink, I was definitely more then tipsy.

"Where'd you learn to drink like a fish?" Rodney asked me the wrong sort of question. I was sure that Johnny was going to kill him.

"Oh, it all started way back when during Johnny's Frat house parties. The Frat boys knew I was a 'no go' territory on anything but alcohol. Even Johnny couldn't stop them from getting me drunk. Though, before Nancy, Johnny was quite the playboy. There was Stacy, Marissa, Darlene, Anne, Katherine, Catie, Becky and her twin Kelly. Oh! Then there was that night he got so plastered he was on the roof of the Frat house butt ass naked. There are pictures somewhere of it. That night while his buddies were getting me drunk, and I was trying to have my way with one of them, he banged my best friend's older sister."

"Colette, that's enough. Rodney and everyone else get the point."

"I think we need to hear more, Colonel." Carson said and I smiled at him, ready and willing to provide more details into the very private past of one older brother of mine, in an attempt to break him out of his shell.

"Oh are there things I could tell you. Not really too much about Johnny though. For all of the knock down drag out fights we had, he was a good brother. Though, he didn't pay enough attention to his Frat brothers after college. I dated two of them on and off, sometimes at the same time." I knew, looking back, how whorish I sounded, but at the time, my wording didn't seem to spark that part of me that would have refrained me showing myself in that sort of light.

"Who?" Johnny had moved closer to me after I started talking about myself.

"Nate and Keys."

"Keys? Really?" He asked utterly surprised.

"Keys was good people. Though he was the sober one. Made sure there was no drinking and driving. Took peoples keys, hence the name. Keys was good in a lot of ways, but I know there is better."

"What do ya mean love?" Carson asked.

"It means, Carson, that I know of one man in particular that tops all others, so far, in the tested categories."

"What are the untested categories?" Ronan chimed in, asking what Rodney obviously wanted to.

"Sex." I had said it so bluntly and matter of factly that I didn't see or understand the snickers and the holding in of laughter from the others.

Johnny however, had clearly not been expecting me to say something like that and spit out his beer. I shrugged off the looks that seemed odd to me. I guess no one really expected me to say that since I was, usually, just as private a person as Johnny.

"You have someone back home?" Carson asked, trying to move the conversation along.

"Nope, right here on Atlantis."

"Who?" Jennifer had finally chimed in, though she already knew whom I was referring to.

"Evan of course." I said it like they knew who I was speaking about, not realizing, at the time, that they didn't call him by his first name, ever.

It had taken them sometime to realize who I meant, Teyla gave me a curious look. "Major Lorne?"

"Yeah, is there any other Evan on base?"

"How is that possible, he has been gone since the day he returned to base from Earth." Carson paused for a moment as he thought of this. "Oh bloody hell."

"No kidding." I felt his sentiment and shared it. Before anything was said or done, Johnny intervened. What a good brother he could be some of the time.

"Alright, before Colette goes airing anymore of her secrets, or says things she doesn't mean, I'm taking her back to her quarters. She's done."

Johnny was a brother that was irreplaceable. Though, looking back on that night, I wished he had intervened sooner, for my relationship with Evan I had wanted kept secret.

"John, just let her stay. We're all just having a good time." Rodney was amused, I was too, but for other reasons.

"Yeah, Colonel, no harm done. It isn't like we haven't been drunk like Nicole many a night together and kept what was said between us."

"Johnny, Jen has a point. C'mon, you're the one who said this would be good for me. Ya know, so I don't become and uptight bitch."

Ronon snorted into the beer he was drinking, Rodney looked excited to see if there would be another sibling fight. Jennifer, Teyla and Carson looked appalled.

"Colonel, you called your sister an uptight bitch?" Carson asked, shock written across his face.

"Absolutely not. Those words never came out of my mouth." Johnny defended himself.

"Johnny never called me a bitch, but I knew what he meant to happen and possibly say."

"Colette, why would I do something that would start a fight with you?"

"Maybe to finally convince me to ask Ronon and Teyla to teach me those fighting techniques they taught you."

"You don't need their help."

"I would be honored to teach you, Dr. Kerrigan."

"Thanks Teyla. What about you Ronon?"

"Sure thing."

"Oh great. Does this mean I can expect more late night sparring match accidents coming into my infirmary?"

"Only if you are the one on duty that late."

Jennifer looked at me in surprise. She hadn't expected me to be the one that said that. Johnny, Teyla and Ronon were all amused and laughing. A few minutes passed and Rodney and Jennifer announced that they were going for a walk before calling it quits for the night. My drunk ass spoke before they could say good night.

"Let me guess, you guys are gonna go for 'a walk' which is really code for getting laid right?"

Jen tried to hold in her laughter to the point that her cheeks and face were so red, she looked embarrassed, I knew she wasn't. Rodney however was embarrassed. Johnny, Carson, Ronon and Teyla all stared at me with shocked faces. I stared back.

"What? Jen knows what I am talking about."

"You embarrassed her." Johnny said.

"No I didn't. After ladies poker night, trust me, she is not embarrassed."

"Colette she is blushing."

"No she isn't. She is trying not to laugh. Haven't you guys ever seen her try and suppress her laughter?"

Before Johnny could speak, Jen burst out laughing. Rodney now looked mortified beyond belief, while the rest were all confused.

"I'm sorry Rodney." She managed to get out before I started laughing, too. It took a bit to calm down, then Jen and Rodney left. Johnny was staring at me.

"I think I may have to drop in on Ladies Poker Night. I have never seen Rodney so embarrassed before."

"Show up Johnny, but you won't hear a damn thing. Teyla's been to ladies poker night. She knows the types of things that get said."

"Oh really? Johnny now had turned his attention from me to Teyla. "You always said nothing of interest every happened."

"I was right John. Nothing of interest ever happened. However, I never said that interesting things weren't spoken of."

"Ouch, got me on a technicality."

Teyla smirked before returning to a conversation that she was having with Carson, about her son, Tourin. Johnny started talking to Ronon about their next late night sparring session. I found myself standing alone, staring out over the ocean, thinking about Evan. Not much time had passed since he left. Only about a week or so. John wasn't telling me anything still. I was acting like a love sick pup and I couldn't stand myself. I wasn't sure what about Evan I missed the most. Was it the close friendship? The comfort of his arms? The way his eyes gazed into mine making everything seem and feel surreal? Was it all of that together and yet so much more? Or was I thinking about him because there would be too many unknowns if he didn't return from his mission?

I felt eyes upon me and turned to see Carson standing next to me. "The major is a good lad and a survivor. He'll be back before you know it, love."

"How can you be so sure of yourself?"

"He's survived through a lot love. Buildings collapsing on him, being held captive while us, his own people, thought him dead, getting shot."

"Are you trying to make me feel better or worse Carson?"

"I am just pointing out the facts that the major will come back alive and in one piece, love. He always does. If he didn't then I doubt he would have stayed your brother's second in command as long as he has. He's a capable man."

"Thanks Carson. I think that is exactly that I needed to hear right now. So, how are things between you and Allison?"

"Cheeky little bugger. Are you trying to embarrass all the men you come across in your inebriated state?"

"No." I simply answered, waiting for his reply to my question.

"Allison and I are doing quite well, thank you. Has she said otherwise?"

"No I was just curious to know of you both felt the same way about how your relationship is going. Sometimes I can't stop being a psychiatrist."

"I understand that love." I smiled warmly at Carson. He was definitely a tender heart and clearly someone you wanted to be friends with. There was nothing about him that wasn't to love.

"What are you two talking about over here?" Johnny asked as he, Ronan and Teyla made their way over.

"Pictures of you, naked, as a baby, Colonel."

Johnny spit out the sip of beer he had taken. "I'm sorry, what!?"

Carson and I looked at each other and couldn't help but laugh. "He's kidding Johnny."

"Am I Colonel? Who to believe, your sister, who has pictures of you in her quarters from your Frat days, or me?"

"And this is why I kept Colette away from my Frat boy buddies as much as possible."

"Oh hush, we are only kiddin."

"Or are we?" Carson and I started laughing again. Once the laughter died down and with Rodney and Jennifer clearly not returning, we called it a night. Johnny had offered to walk me back to my quarters, but Carson did instead. He asked me little things about my pseudo relationship with Evan and I asked him about him, about Allison, about life on Atlantis before clone him was born. Not much was said on that last particular subject as we reached my quarters before he could get into it. We said goodnight and I was quick to get into my usual pajamas.

I laid on my bed, falling fast asleep. However, I had such a fitful sleep. I would have been better off not sleeping at all. With Evan so fresh on my mind, my drunken unconsciousness dredged up every possible horrible scenario that all ended with Evan returning to Atlantis, dead. What was the worst was my mind always had him crying out in his last breath, but not my name, but some other woman's name. It was unlike any bad night of sleep I had ever had before. One, I hoped, I never had to relive. I was shaken to the core by the time my alarm went off. I had slept in, too tired to go for my run. I laid in bed for a long while, before deciding to get my day going.


	9. Shaken Up and Lorne's Return

**Chapter 9: Shaken Up and Lorne's Return**

When I finally got up for the morning and headed down to the mess, I was a little worse for wear. I wasn't sure why I felt so horrible. I knew I had had a rough night of sleep, but didn't know why it was affecting me like this. I had had horrible nightmares before, ones as disturbing as what I had the night before.

I had no idea what time it was, and I was sure that I must have at least missed one appointment, but I didn't really care. I was emotionally shaken from my nightmares that at the moment, I was considering going to Jennifer to get sleeping pills. I couldn't shake the feeling even as I thought of everything I had to do for the day. I was thoroughly disturbed.

After leaving the mess, I was on my way to my office when I literally walked right into John. I hadn't been paying any attention to where I had been walking. John seemed to notice that something was wrong with me and put his hands on my arms, and looked at me.

"Colette?"

"I'm okay, I think."

"What's wrong?"

"Didn't get much sleep last night."

"Hangover?"

"Not sure to be honest."

"Not the usual symptoms of one, huh?"

"No. I just had horrific nightmares all night long. I just can't shake the feeling."

"I think it's a side effect of the Athosian drinks you had. You've never had them before, so it's logical that the hangover side effects would be different."

"So says the man who wouldn't know."

"I am not going to argue. I was actually on my way to find you."

"What's up?"

"Your office. Now."

"Johnny?"

"I won't say until we are in your office." The walk seemed to take forever, as all I wanted to do was find out why John wanted to talk to me in my office. He was unusually quite. I started to get antsy. After the nightmares that I had the night before I was starting to think that it was intuition and that there was something wrong with Evan. Why else would John be so serious? I had to think rationally. It was probably that Woolsey made him tell me that my acceptance of going off world all the time with Anne's team was being denied and he thought that I was going to take it not so well.

When we finally reached my office, John's mood was more somber then serious. "John?"

"Sit down Nicolette."

"It's Evan isn't it?"

"He was seriously injured off world. A rogue group of Genii shot his jumper down, killed Lt. Narrows and Sgt. Baker. He survived the crash, but was taken by the Genii. About an hour ago Laden Radeem, the leader of the Genii found him while a strike team was eradicating the rogue cell. He's alive and in stable condition. Carson and Dr. Keller went off world to bring him back. He's in the hospital wing."

"Oh god..." I felt like I was about to collapse, but I was already sitting down. "How bad is he Johnny?" I was trying to stay calm, even though I felt like I was shaking.

"He took a hell of a beating on top of surviving a crash that he shouldn't have."

"I want to see him."

"I'm going to take you down there in a few minutes. If I'm not mistaken, he's in surgery to repair a knife wound."

"I want to go down there now."

"Alright."

John couldn't get out of my way fast enough to get down to the infirmary. I was practically running. I know that he was with me, but it didn't matter. I had to see for myself just how Evan was doing. I knew it was crazy, but I really did care for him already. No, I loved him. I don't believe in fate or true love, at least I didn't until Evan came along and changed all that for me. Now I was afraid of losing him. I knew, as well as anyone else on this base that just because someone is in stable condition, doesn't mean that they will stay that way.

Carson seemed to know that I was on my way, as he was waiting outside the infirmary, in scrubs. "Nicolette, love, ye need to wait."

"Carson… is he alright?"

"He'll be fine love; Jennifer is getting him situated right now. Did well in surgery the lad did."

"I want to see him."

Carson nodded to me and led me into the infirmary to where Evan lay, unconscious, in a bed, with Jennifer standing near him, looking over something. I fought the tears that were welling up in my eyes. Evan looked like he had been through the ringer, so to speak. I stepped slowly over to him, almost afraid to touch him. I vaguely remember hearing John talk to Carson and Jennifer about his current condition and what they thought his recovery time was going to be.

I hadn't really been paying any attention to them. Though I knew Evan was out due to the anesthesia he undoubtedly was administered, I wished to hell that he would open his eyes. I gently took his hand as I stared down at him.

I suddenly realized why John wanted me to wait to come to see him. I heard Woolsey's approach and moved away from Evan. I eyed John before leaving the infirmary. He looked puzzled for a moment before he heard Woolsey.

"Ah, Dr. Kerrigan. I hadn't expected to see you down here."

"Mr. Woolsey, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment to get to." He nodded as I walked briskly away. I did return to my office, but very slowly. Even though Evan came back harmed, I felt an emotional peace that I hadn't felt in the entirety of my life. How could the fact that he is alive be such a calming force for me, especially when he is lying in a hospital bed? It was feeling that, for the moment, I wasn't going to take for granted as it washed away the latent feelings that had haunted my morning.

When I finally reached my office, I was surprised to see Major Marks from the Daedalus standing outside my office. "Major Marks, I'm surprised to see you. What brings you here?"

"I just heard about Major Lorne. It's rather disturbing." I walked into my office and motioned for him to follow me. The door closed behind him.

"What exactly do you mean?"

"Through out the time that I have been serving on the Daedalus, and even a bit before, Major Lorne and I became great friends. I know that in this line of work that he and I do that the risk is always there of losing a friend, but I guess it doesn't really it until a close call or it actually happens."

"Well, put your mind at rest Major. I was just down in the infirmary as Major Lorne came out of surgery. His prognosis is a good one. He'll pull through. I hear this isn't the first time for him, and no doubt won't be the last time."

"No ma'am it won't. I've had some pretty close calls myself over the years. I am just not sure if I want to continue to do this anymore."

"What else is troubling you Major? It seems it's more then just what has happened to Lorne."

"It is ma'am. I have no family to speak of. No wife, no kids. I think I have reached the point in time where I want to settle down and start a family with the right woman."

"You can still do that Major and continue to do what you do best."

"How can I rationalize leaving a wife and kids behind knowing that I would be traveling through galaxies, on long treks, constantly?"

"I wasn't talking about remaining on the Daedalus, Major. There are other ways that you would be useful to the Stargate Program. I'm sure, if you decide to leave the Daedalus that the Air Force would be very accommodating to an officer who has served, faithfully and successfully for several years."

"I'm not the off world mission going sort of person though."

"And you don't have to be. If I am not mistaken, the General Hammond is Earth's primary defense. Perhaps you should think about serving aboard a ship that stays within range of Earth for most of its time. You would still be in close contact with any family you decide to start, but still being able to do what it is clear that you love to do."

"I do Dr. Kerrigan."

"Well then Major, it would seem as you have a few decisions to make. A suggestion though, take your time. I know you said that this had been bugging you for sometime, but be sure that you are doing what is best for you. Don't let Stargate Command try and change your mind."

"Thanks Doc. Also, thanks for the info about Lorne. I appreciate it."

"It is not a problem Major. Just doing my job."

"As was he." That departing mark that Marks left with was sort of disturbing, but brought an eerie sense of rightness to the situation. Time passed in a different way; at least it felt that way. Purposefully I had kept myself busy; luckily I had patients that distracted me from running down to the infirmary to be near Evan's side. It was the only place that I wanted to be, but even still, there was the risk of Woolsey or even other's of discovering a fact that only a few knew about. It was safer to wait until I could be sure that Evan and I could be alone. I was hoping that John would let me know when that would be, but it really didn't matter. Nothing was going to stop me from going down there. It was about the time that the mess usually starting serving dinner, so at least for a while, the infirmary would be empty, except for patients that were bed ridden for whatever reason. It would be the perfect time to go see him.

My feet carried me there, my mind continued to wander. I was at the point of wondering whether or not he would be awake as I noticed that I had reached the infirmary. Not much seemed to have changed, except there was now a chair set next to his bed. I had no clue whether or not he had woken up at all while I was gone. I sat down in the chair that I was sure John had made sure was put there for me and took Evan's hand again. Just holding his hand, feeling the warmth emanating from was a relief. He seemed to be sleeping now.

As comforting as it was, a desperate part of me wanted him to open his eyes and speak to me. To reassure me that the words we had spoken before he left were true. That they were still true. A hand came to rest on my shoulder, I looked up expecting it to be my brother but instead it was Carson. It was hard for me to smile up at him, but I was grateful for the comfort he was trying to provide.

"Did you eat love? You've been here awhile already."

"No, I came here because I knew most people would be eating."

"Thought as much love. So did Colonel Sheppard. He sent food for you."

"Thanks, but I'm not very hungry right now."

"Ye should still eat love. Evan will probably be asleep for some time before he regains consciousness again."

"He woke up?"

"He did. After giving a demanding Mr. Woolsey as much of a verbal report as possible, he asked your brother where you were."

"He did?"

"Yes love, he did. Now eat." Carson slid a tray table next to me with a tray filled with food. I was ready to kill John; there wasn't even a salad in sight. Grant it I was thankful there was no beef, but I wasn't sure what it was. With Carson still around though, I had no choice but to eat it. Whatever it was it was delicious. Perhaps because, I realized it was the first thing I had eaten. Sure I had gone to the mess in the morning, but I hadn't eaten anything. Rather, if I did, I don't remember eating it. Too much was going on in my mind to remember such things. The only thing I knew for certain is that I was staying by Evan's side for as long as possible and there wasn't anything that was going to stop me from doing so.

At some point I had laid my head down and fallen asleep. While I knew I was emotionally exhausted, I had fought falling asleep. I didn't want to miss Evan waking up. I finally had to trust that if I was moved, they'd wake me, and if I wasn't moved that he would wake me up himself. My self assurance had won out. I can recollect how long I was actually asleep for, more accurately I had no idea to begin with. Time was a nonsensical part of the daily process for me, at least today it was.

A gentle caress to my cheek stirred me. Evan was looking at me, his hand still touching my face. "Nikki…"

"Evan…Thank god you're okay."

He chuckled a little. My god even that small bit of laughter made my heart skip a beat. Looking into his eyes I knew the stirring of emotions inside me just wanted to spill out. "I'm not exactly okay, as I have been better. But I hear I'll live."

"That's not funny."

"I know, I'm sorry. Trust me though Nikki, I have been through much worse and come out no worse for wear."

"I know, Carson told me last night."

"How long has Dr. Beckett been back from off world?"

"Not to sure." I brought my broken hand in view of him without even realizing it. It wasn't in a cast any longer, it was just wrapped in an ace bandage. He gently cradled my hand in his and looked at me, concern written all over his face.

"Nikki, what happened?"

"My first mission off world happened. It was just over a week ago. Two villagers on the planet I went to tried to get frisky with me. I pulled a knife to get them to back off, the one kicked the knife right out of my hand, forcing my hand to go backwards into the building behind me. It's only a small break. I'm fine. I don't even really feel any pain from it at all."

"Wow, I leave and your brother can't even take care of you." He had a playful smile on his lips, I so badly wanted to kiss him, but Jennifer came in.

"Good to see you awake again Major. Your vitals are still holding stable, but you still need rest. I'm going to administer something to put you to sleep. You are in need of a lot of healing. Nic, you can stay for a few more minutes, then you are to head straight to bed yourself."

"Yessum." I laughed a bit as she shook her head. As she administered the sleep aid through Evan's IV she looked at me.

"Oh, don't forget, you have an appointment with me in the morning. I need to see how that hand of yours is healing."

"Not a problem. You can tell me if I was right about the 'walk' that you and Rodney took last night."

"That sort of information is saved for Ladies Poker Night. Which sadly, you missed the last one. We want you to kick Anne's ass again."

"When's the next one?"

"Two nights away. Before you can object, Major Lorne here will be in the infirmary until further notice. As the chief of medicine, I can order you to go."

"On what grounds?"

"That it will be good for your health and for Anne's who needs another ass kicking."

"You are hopeless Jen."

"No I am not. You have 5 minutes before I come back in here and kick you out. I'd have Carson drag you out, but he's otherwise occupied by a certain Doctor friend of ours."

"Hard not to know who." Jen nodded as she left. I turned back to Evan and noticed him staring at me through sleepy eyes.

"You've certainly made friends here quickly."

"Kind of hard not to with being the Colonel's sister. At first I thought they were just trying to get stories out of me about my brother. I mean that is still a factor, but they genuinely want to get to know me."

"Anyone who doesn't want to know you is crazy."

I stood up and leaned forward. I placed a tender kiss to Evan's lips, one in which he returned. "Thank you for coming back to me."

"There isn't a damn thing that would stop me from doing that."

"Good to know. Now stop fighting the meds and go to sleep. I'll come see you after my appointment with Jen."

"Fine, but you owe me another kiss before you go."

"How do you figure?"

"Have to make up for lost time somehow, and it just sounded like a good way to get you to kiss me."

"All you ever have to do is ask." I kissed him again, but let the kiss linger, which he seemed to enjoy as when I pulled back his hand lingered on locks of my hair. I smiled softly as I watched the sleep meds knock him out. I nodded a 'good night' to Jennifer as I made my way out of the infirmary. As simple as the fact was, knowing that Lorne would be off Active Duty until he was fully healed and cleared by Jennifer made me happy. Once he was out of the infirmary and allowed to sleep in his own quarters at night, things could go to the way that I felt that they should. The way things should have gone had John not sent Lorne off world the day after his return to Atlantis from Earth. Such as the case may be, I was going to have to figure out how to tell Evan about my joining an off world team.

I don't think he would mind much at all. He'd probably think like Johnny and say that it was a good thing. However, after my first mission and the fact that he just came back from his in the manner that he did, he may not think that way for the moment. I was relieved to see that John wasn't lingering around or in my quarters when I got there. Slipping into my usual bed attire, I fell asleep shortly after I let myself fall on my bed and turned the lights out. I was content for the moment, and hoped things stayed that way for good.


	10. Things Should have been Normal

**The Colonel's Sister and the Major**

**Chapter 10: Once Upon a Time, Things Should Have Been Normal**

The nightmares hadn't plagued my sleep, but an eerie feeling continued to creep through me. The sense of peace I had felt when going to bed last night was lost to me. Something in my mind made me change the way I had felt. For the life of me I couldn't remember what it was. Could I have had a nightmare, one that was so horrific that I couldn't remember it? Of at least that, I was sure of.

I was puzzled as I looked around my quarters. Something felt off. Everything was where I had left it. It bothered me that I couldn't rationalize this strange feeling. In a bad attempt to push it from my mind, I reached for my running clothes, with my broken hand and sighed. I so badly wanted to go running, but after last time and how my hand felt otherwise, I knew better. Part of me was hopeful that my hand was healing very well and that I could go back to running very soon.

Going through the motions of my morning was helping bring a sense of normalcy to my life. The morning seemed to move slowly, despite my not really eating breakfast, again. I realized as I neared the infirmary for my appointment, that I was dreading it. I didn't want to hear that my hand was healing well and that I would be cleared for Active Duty, which meant I'd be cleared to go off world with Anne's team.

I also realized that part of me was afraid of seeing Evan. I still hadn't told him about my going active with a team once my hand was fully healed. I stopped in the entryway of the infirmary as it dawned on me. I was terrified that Evan would be so against my being apart of an off-world team. Who had I become since coming here? I didn't act like this with anyone. No one controlled my emotions in such a manner that it hurt my heart to think of possible rejection from one person. There were things that I had to rationally think over. I had to stop falling head over heels until I could be sure that I would land on my feet.

Jennifer looked at me with concern on her face when she saw me standing in the doorway, unmoving. I wasn't sure what sort of expression I wore on my face, but it must not have been a good one as she walked over to me quickly.

"Nic, you okay? You don't look so good."

"I'm fine. I… it's nothing."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Everything's fine."

"Well, I'll be a few minutes before I can take a look at your hand. We're pretty empty down here this morning if you'd like a quick minute with Major Lorne, he is already awake."

"No, that's alright. I'll see him later."

"Okay."

I walked into the infirmary, unsure of what I was going to do about Evan and my fear of his possible rejection. I needed to talk to Johnny. He would tell me exactly what I needed to hear, that I was being an idiot and that Evan would accept my decision to go off world on a regular basis. No matter how many times I said this over and over in my head, my words refused to sink in.

It wasn't until my check up with Jennifer was almost over when I noticed how quiet she was being. I tried to smile, but the smile refused to stay on my face. I gave up. I sat silently while she finished, not really looking at her. I was leery that she would be able to read my thoughts from my expression.

As soon as she was done looking at my hand and was happy with the progression of the healing, I left much quicker then I had meant to. I hoped she wouldn't tell Evan that I was here and rushed off without seeing him. Knowing Jen as well as I already did, she'd rat me out in a heart beat.

I rushed through my few morning appointments, unable to think clearly, I cancelled all my afternoon ones. It disturbed me that I was letting my emotions effect me as much as they were. I was so sick of being out of sorts with myself. But I couldn't help it. Evan was all that I could think about.

That was until I noticed what day it was. It was Christmas Eve. How did I get so wrapped up in myself that I didn't notice the few whispers of the holidays in certain areas of the city? It was beyond puzzling. With my mind now on what holiday it was, I absolutely felt terrible about not seeing Evan when I had been down in the infirmary. I quickly left my office, heading to my quarters. I had, a few nights ago, uploaded the pictures from my digital camera that Evan had taken of us and from that I did a rough sketch of one of the photos of us. I grabbed the sketch pad that that photo was in and hurried down to the infirmary, not caring if anyone else was there.

I would be damned if I held off apologizing for being a self centered bitch. I had this nagging feeling as I got closer and didn't understand why. There was something off about the events that had transpired since Evan left for his mission. I was starting to think clearly when I nearly walked into Carson. That was when it dawned on me. Carson had left, with Evan, on his mission, but Carson had come back much sooner then Evan did.

"You alright love?"

"Yeah, Carson, sorry. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"No sweat."

Carson had started to move away, to continue with his duties. "Hey Carson, can I ask you something?"

"Sure thing love."

"I was wondering, why was it that you weren't with Major Lorne? I remember John telling me that you had left with him and his team."

"I had love, but I wasn't staying with them long. There were two planets that are apart of the Alliance that needed medical assistance, vaccinations for common things like the flu. Major Lorne and his team stayed with my long enough to transport me from one planet to the next."

"That makes sense. I'm sorry if my asking made it sound like you were hiding something or that I was accusing you of something."

"Don't fret about it. I'd be concerned if ye hadn't asked me."

"Thanks Carson."

He smiled and winked at me before continuing on his way. I hesitated for a moment before heading further into the infirmary. It was sometime after noon and save for the patients that were bed ridden, there was no one but doctors and nurses here.

It was merely a stroke of luck, I thought, as I approached Evan. He seemed to be asleep, but I couldn't be sure. The chair that had been placed next to his bed was gone, but that didn't matter to me. I was hoping that if I sat down on the bed that it would stir him so we could talk, which thankfully it had. I must have had a sad expression on my face because he looked at me through worried eyes.

"Nikki?"

"Shh Evan, I want to say something." I waited to see if he would respond, he didn't so I continued. "I just want to apologize for not coming here to see you this morning like I said I would. I got so wrapped up in myself and the worries that plague my mind that I thought it would be better for both of us if I didn't come here at all."

He looked confused, but stayed quiet, knowing I had more to say. "I doubted myself Evan. I doubted the feelings I have for you because they just aren't rational. I was angry with myself over my emotions changing my life. I told myself this morning, after I woke up, that I wasn't going to see you until I could get some normalcy back into my life, some rational thought and meaning. I sat in my office since my appointment with Jennifer, trying not to think about you." I lifted his hand and placed a kiss to it, before bringing it to my face. "I sat there and realized that I didn't give a damn about rational thought. I care about you more then I probably should and I will be damned if I do anything to screw this up and hurt you."

Tears were threatening to spill from my eyes as he smiled softly, his fingers brushing my cheek. "Nikki, I'm glad you feel that way and were able to work things out. I was afraid something had happened when you hadn't come to see me, but then Jennifer told me how cold you were with her this morning. I resigned myself to thinking that you had changed your mind, that things were over for us. I didn't get a chance to react to that thought process before Jennifer administered more morphine and knocked me out."

I leaned forward, my head coming to rest on his chest, His IV free hand played with my hair as the tears finally came out. I had hurt him, unintentionally and that was the last thing he needed when he was trying to heal from and ordeal he had survived. After a few moments, I calmed down and took a deep breath, inhaling his scent, even though he smelled of a hospital, his scent was there, like a gentle caress of a breeze.

"I have something for you." I sat up and actually had to stand up to grab my sketch pad that had fallen to the floor. He eyed me curiously as I flipped through the pages until I came to the sketch I wanted to give to him. I turned it so he could see what it was, a smile, like I had never seen before, stretched across his face.

"Wow Nikki."

"Well when I realized what day it was, I wanted you to have something special and from the heart. You had had the same thought when you took those pictures of us, so I wanted to return the favor. And even though it's not until tomorrow, Merry Christmas Evan."

"Is it really Christmas Eve?"

"It is. I couldn't stand the thought of you being in here alone, on a holiday. That was a sobering thought to all my misgivings about us. I hadn't even realized as much. I mean, I knew that the holidays were fast approaching; I completely forgot that we spent Thanksgiving on the Apollo, those days were a blissful blur to me. It sucks that you have to be in here for Christmas."

"How didn't you realize it was nearly Christmas?"

"Well it isn't like the base is decorated for Christmas. I mean, I'm sure some people's quarters are like a Christmas wonderland, but I know not everyone on base is Christian so therefore I wasn't even thinking about it."

"You know, your mind boggles me sometimes."

"Yeah, me too." We laughed, but he winced as he did. I frowned as I sat back down on the bed, taking a hold of his hand.

"It's not fair."

"What isn't fair Evan?"

"That I am stuck in this bed and can't give you a proper Christmas present."

"Oh hush. You're being alive and still wanting me, is enough of a present."

"Prove it."

"Cheeky." I smirked as I leaned forward and kissed him softly at first. His IV free hand once again found my hair but he drew me closer, deepening the kiss. We only broke apart when we heard a throat clearing behind us. Evan shifted to see who it was, as I sat up and turned. It was just Johnny. I let out a sigh of relief. Yeah I had the 'I'll be damned if I care if anyone knows about Evan and I' but at least with it being Johnny, and not say, Woolsey, not having to explain things was just fine by me.

"What would you two have done if I had been Woolsey?"

I saw Evan shrug out of the corner of my eye, but he kept his mouth shut, leaving me to deal with Johnny. Chicken shit. I almost laughed but was glad I hadn't said that out loud. "Simple Johnny, I would have just explained things to him. It's not like he can do anything about it. He didn't do anything about McKay and Jennifer."

"True, but still, I thought you two wanted this to be a bit more private?"

"We do Colonel."

"However, I am not going to let that stop me from spending time with Evan, in whatever manner I so choose."

"Well good for you two. Really though, you might want to keep all that to a minimum. Colette, at least give Lorne a chance to heal before trying to drag him into your bed. Or did you forget that he wasn't in yours or his own."

"Johnathan Patrick Sheppard." John visibly blanched with use of his full name. Between the two of us, our full names were like curse words. Or if either one of us used the other's full name, it meant two things. One, one was in deep shit with the other, or two... no there was just choice one.

"Colette, really?"

"Yes, really Johnny. I can't believe you said that. Okay, scratch that. I can believe you said that, just not that you said that to me."

"I'm sorry. It just slipped out. Though you gotta admit, it was funny."

"Other times I would be laughing. You know I would."

"But?"

"I'm the instigator, sir."

"Oh. Well Lorne, no trying to get my sister into bed until you are cleared for active duty."

"Are you seriously giving him orders of that nature?" I seemed to be out of the 'guy' loop as they both started laughing. Though Evan stopped after a few seconds because it did, physically hurt him. I looked at him, a worried expression on my face. He tried to smile to me, but was in pain, so it was hard.

"I'm going to get Jennifer or Carson. You need to rest."

"And you need to eat Nikki."

"I know. I will. After I get Carson or Jennifer to knock you ass out so you can get better."

"Deal."

"Don't fret Lorne. I'll make sure to stuff food down Colette's throat. I am well aware of her lack of interest in eating unless it's necessary."

"I'd say thanks, sir, but I'm sure you've been on her case about it for a long time."

"That I have major."

"Ugh, this bonding crap between you two, over me, makes me ill. I'm going to get a doctor." I leaned over and kissed Evan softly, and drew away before he could deepen the kiss again. "I'll come back and see you later."

"Promise?" He whispered to me.

I whispered back; "I promise. There isn't anything holding me back now, from being with you."

"Good." With that settled, I went in search of either Carson or Jennifer. I found Carson, just starting to make another set of rounds. He said he'd skip over the rest of the patients and see to Evan immediately. I thanked him for that as John and I left to go grab a bite to eat. As we walked down to the mess he was being quiet.

"Something wrong John?"

"No, I'm just honestly surprised about the way Lorne makes you act. It's a new side of you. It's weird."

"I know, but I don't ever want to go back to the way I was before Evan came into my life. He's good for me Johnny."

"I know."

"So, what goes on around here for Christmas? After all, it's Christmas Eve."

"Well, those who celebrate it, get the day off. Those who don't, work."

"That seems a bit unfair."

"Not really. Those who celebrate Chanukah were given off which ever day of the seven they chose; those who celebrate Kwanza were given that day off. We try to keep it fair around here. Everyone gets a day off to celebrate or honor which ever holiday they affiliate themselves with. If they don't celebrate anything, they get a day of their choosing, so long as it doesn't fall on one of the other holidays."

"Well that's good."

"It is."

"Sharing your Christmas with anyone this year Johnny?"

"Nope. Teyla is going back to New Athos to see Kanaan and Ronon is spending the day with Amelia. Jennifer and Rodney are doing something. I do usually have either Teyla or Ronon, or both to spend the day with."

"Good, then you can spend the day with your bratty younger sister and her healing boyfriend."

"Can I now?"

"Yes, I think it would be a good thing. It will completely set Lorne's mind at ease that you aren't going to kill him for getting involved with me, and I think it will be good for you."

"How so?"

"How well do you really know you're second in command?"

"Okay, I see your point."

"Good. Then it's settled. Tomorrow you will spend Christmas with me and Evan in the infirmary."

We let the subject drop as we reached the mess hall, after getting food, sat down with Rodney and Jennifer and got lost in many different conversations for quite sometime. All in all, despite my wanting some bit of the normalcy back in my life, I realized, I never lost it. For the new life I was in, this was normal. Having a love like no other, having good friends and my brother around, the possibility of danger around every stargate, this was my new normal. It gave me the same sense of peace I had felt last night after seeing Evan. Life was good. What was even better tomorrow was Christmas and I was lucky for getting to spend it with the two most important people on my life.


	11. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

**The Colonel's Sister and the Major**

**Chapter 11: Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas**

John split off from me on my way to the infirmary. He had a sparring session planned with Ronon that he most certainly didn't want to miss. Not that I can blame him of course. I would most likely be doing the same if it wasn't for the inconvenience of having a broken hand. I veered off on my way to the infirmary to grab my small sketch pad in case Evan was asleep.

On approach to my quarters, I noticed someone standing outside, looking rather impatient.

"Ah, Dr. Kerrigan, it's about time."

"Excuse me?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite to eat with me."

"Sorry, Sanders right? I already ate."

"It's Saunders. That's alright. We can just talk inside."

"No, Dr. Sanders, we can't. Now if you will excuse me, I have a patient to attend to."

"Your patient can wait. It isn't like you are a medical doctor."

"What? I did go to medical school Sanders. Now leave. I don't take lightly to arrogant, overbearing, egotistical men, of any sort."

"That's not what I heard. I am just here to get my turn as it were."

"You're turn?"

"Yeah, I hear you had a little tryst with Dr. Keller and Dr. McKay and now you are compiling a list of who is next."

I was fuming by this point, all control over my temper gone. Broken hand be damned, I hauled off and punched in the asshole, making sure my punch landed on his jaw. I heard a crack, but I was still so fuming I couldn't be sure if I had broken my hand further or if I broke his jaw. Before the pain could set in, I radioed John.

Both John and Ronon were at my quarters in what was probably record time. Right behind him however was a security officer and Carson. I guess he was the unfortunate doctor on duty.

"What happened?"

"Sanders here rudely asked me to more then dinner."

"What did he say?" I repeated word for word what had to be said and had to put a restraining hand on John, along with Ronon, to keep both of them from attacking Sanders, Saunders, whatever the hell his name is.

Carson looked over at the security officer. "Bring Dr. Saunders to the infirmary. Keep him under guard."

"Sir?"

"Does the Colonel look in any condition to rational give you orders Sergeant?" The good sergeant shook his head then did as Carson had ordered him to do. The humor of it all would have not been lost on me if my hand hadn't started throbbing and all I could feel was the pain.

"You alright Colette?"

"I've been better. I think I re-broke my hand when I may have broken Sanders jaw."

"Off to the infirmary with ye love. Let's go. Chop chop."

"Geez Carson, I'm not two."

"Aye, ye aren't but you are too much like your brother. Now mush."

Ronon actually snickered, John would have been laughing had he not been as fuming pissed as I was after I told him what was said. Ronon was quick to wipe the amused look off his face after I glared, through pain, at him and John, well, he just glared. No better word for it.

I re-broke my hand, but according to Carson it wouldn't effect my healing time because it was more of slightly reopening the fracture in my hand that had already started to heal. Thank God for small favors. After being administered pain killers I was quickly released and shuffled out of the infirmary, along with John and Ronon. Lorne had been sleeping and I had asked Carson not to tell him what happened. John and Ronon walked me back to my quarters, heck, they half carried me cause the pain killers that Carson had given me, weren't just pain killers, the sneaky Scot gave me sleeping pills as well. If I remembered the next time I saw him, I was going to smack him.

I had barely managed to change out of my base uniform when I collapsed on my bed. Johnny must have checked on me sometime later because I didn't remember being under the covers, which I had to thank him for later because, I woke, not cold. It took me sometime to get moving as I was groggy. Despite the sleeping pills, I hadn't slept well at all. I wanted to smack Carson for giving me the pills. After a quick shower I slipped into a pair of jeans. I forgot I had even brought them with me. They felt comfortable, like an old sweater that reminds you of snuggling up with a good book in front of a fire. I went through the few shirts that I had brought with me and smiled when I pulled out a red vintage t-shirt with an old Rolling Stones cover featuring Garth Brooks on it. It was definitely one of my favorite shirts. I left my hair down, which wasn't really something I did often.

Johnny came into my room as I was slipping my boots on. It seemed we thought more a like then I realized as he was wearing jeans as well, but stuck with his black t-shirt that he always wore under his uniform. He leaned against the door frame instead of coming into the room like he usually did.

"Ready? "

"Yea, what's the rush?"

"Breakfast, it's waiting with Lorne."

"Okay."

"You alright Colette?"

"Fine, a little groggy actually. I'm going to smack Carson when I see him. I don't appreciate being giving sleeping pills without my knowledge."

"I told him to give them to you. "

"He is still going to get smacked for medicated with without my permission. I knew about the vicadin, but not about the sleeping pills."

"Go easy on him."

"No."

I was scowling at Johnny when we walked into the infirmary. Evan was awake and he was smiling, but that wonderful smile left his face when he took in the look I was giving to Johnny.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"My brother is an ass." Evan raised an eyebrow and was about to asked something, when Johnny interrupted.

"Colette there is no reason to hit him, we've been over this. Carson agreed that you needed the sleeping pill. Keller would have agreed as well and you know it."

"Jen would have at least told me, Johnny."

"I'm missing something here." My scowl faded when I faced Evan completely. I walked the rest of the way to his side, leaned over and kissed him softly. I came away smiling simply because he returned the kiss.

"You are, but it's not anything to worry about."

"Colette re-broke her hand last night."

"What? How?" Evan asked suddenly very concerned.

"I punched Dr. Saunders last night."

Evan laughed, at first not believing me, but the look I had on my face, probably mirrored by Johnny's made him stop smiling. "I'm sorry, what?"

John and I went into the explanation of what had happened and how Johnny was more then pissed at what Saunders had said to me, he was extremely angry that he hadn't been able to get his own shot in at Saunders.

"Where is he now sir?"

"Under guard, Woolsey is arranging his immediate return to Earth. When he returns to Earth he is going to be permanently removed from working for the Stargate Program and the IOA as punishment."

"Damn."

"Something wrong Evan?" Nikki asked him.

"I'd love to have the chance to get my hands on Saunders."

"Same here, Major." John said in reply. I shook my head at the two of them.

"Well that was a bad end to a Christmas Eve." Evan commented.

"Not the worst." Nikki said quietly.

"Not even anywhere near it." John added in.

"Do I even want to know?"

I looked from Evan, the man I cared so much for and looked at Johnny, the only man in my life that was a constant. My rock. Someone I knew would always be there for me regardless. I had to trust that Evan would be another rock in my life, just in a different way then John. Johnny nodded softly. He was either thinking the same thing, or pretty damn close to it.

"When I was 5 my mother beat me severely, on Christmas Eve. I was left alone in a hospital for nearly two weeks after that. My mother had beaten me because she was very bitter over her husband and my father leaving her. She got away with not having me for nearly 3 years. 3 years is how long it took her to realize that she wanted to be a mother, even if it the child wasn't with her former husband. I ruined her life, but something in her made her realize that she wanted me. Eight years into my life and the bitch finally wanted me."

"What happened to you during that time?"

"At first I was in a group home because my father never came for me. The state assumed I had no one, so I got put there. After the group home I was moved to live with a foster family. They wanted to adopt me and 3 other foster kids. The state granted them permission to move us to Texas, even though the adoptions weren't finalized. The other kids adoptions went through, mine however didn't."

"My father, our father, found out about what happened to Colette. He wasn't a very strong force in her life back then, he sent her presents and cards, but never really made an effort to see her. After he found out that her mother had served some jail time for what happened, he tracked Colette down. She was moved back home, to an apartment with a full time Nanny until her mother decided she wanted to regain custody of her." Johnny said solemnly.

"I was 8, nearly 9 by the time my mother came for me. My father came around when my mother returned. I was the happiest kid to have both my parents with me. I thought things were going to be fine. That was until Patrick Sheppard told my mother that was the most he ever planned to do for me. While I was his child, I wasn't a true Sheppard so I wasn't worth more time then what he gave. He told her that it was job to ensure that I knew that he was my father, but that I wasn't really wanted. "

"Wow Nikki, that's horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through all that."

"Don't worry about it Evan, I've had enough time to deal with having a father who didn't want to be a part of my life until it was too late. I had Johnny, I didn't need anyone else."

Evan looked appreciatively at Johnny for being there for me; he just gave a small shrug and a smile. "Alright, enough talk about depressing pasts, Breakfast is getting cold and while I know Colette needs to eat, I'm sure Carson or Keller would track me down and talk my ear off, scolding me for making sure that you didn't eat as well, Lorne."

"Yes sir."

"I'm not your CO today, Lorne. Today I am just your girlfriend's older brother."

I smiled softy to Johnny, more then happy that he was embracing my relationship with Evan.

"I'll try not to, si… sorry, Sheppard."

I looked at the breakfast assortment and opted for the yogurt and some fruit. I started eating when I noticed Evan looking at me pointedly. That was a distraction tactic as John shoved a bowl of oatmeal into my hands, taking away my spoon and my yogurt.

"I don't," I was cut off by Johnny.

"Humor me, Colette."

I sighed heavily and took a bite of the oatmeal, pretending to like it. I was extremely picky about what food I ate and didn't eat. Why didn't these two understand that? What didn't anyone? I wasn't thrilled with myself for giving in like I did, but it was easier then arguing. I never won the food argument with Johnny anyway. I was sure that it was going to be a losing battle with Evan as well since he knew my bad habit of not really eating.

All the food was gone relatively quickly, seemed all three of us had been rather hungry. Johnny took the tray and the garbage to dispose of it.

"Merry Christmas, Nikki."

"Merry Christmas, Evan." I smiled and as I was about to lean forward to kiss him, I noticed one of the laces of my boots were undone. I leaned down to retie the boot.

"What is that?"

I froze, only at that moment realizing my shirt had inched up enough in the back, that my lower back was exposed, and so was my tattoo. "It's nothing."

"Nothing my ass, you have a tat."

"It's nothing Evan, really."

"Let me see it. The whole thing."

I sighed and stood up, I turned my back to him, inched my pants down a little and raised the back of my shirt up. My tattoo was a clover that sat in a heart. The heart was an intricate part of a knotted Claddagh design with the Celtic Trinity knot, at the center of the knot work that wove around the entire thing.

"That is an amazing tattoo."

"Thanks."

"Who designed it?"

"I did. I drew out as much as I could. I had a friend that specialized in Celtic Tattooing and he was able to do the knot work and fill in the details that I couldn't draw out myself."

"It's beautiful, like you." I blushed, though Evan couldn't see it.

"Thank you." I lowered my shirt and resituated my pants. I turned to face him, hoping the blushing had been gone from my face. I sat myself on the edge of the bed and leaned forward, kissing him softly, but deeply at the same time." He brushed fingers along my cheek, which made me draw back and smile at him.

"I have a new nickname for you."

"What would that be?"

"Clover." I felt myself blush, which only made him smile one of his most gorgeous smiles I had ever seen on him. It gave me the impression that he enjoyed making me blush. I'd have to talk to him in a place that was more appropriate then the infirmary, so it would have to wait until he was on his feet again.

We chatted about little non sense things as we had before, it was a few minutes before Johnny returned, but he didn't come back empty handed. He had poker chips and a deck or two of cards.

"Up for some poker?"

Evan looked leery at him. So it would seem that he wasn't a poker player. Easy mark. I mentally smacked myself for automatically getting into that frame of mind. I never wanted to think of Evan as a poor poker player, unless he actually was.

"No actual gambling today, Lorne. Just some friendly meaningless poker chips and some fun."

"I'm up for it." I raised an eyebrow at Evan as I moved off the bed.

"Your boy is up for it. Are you, or are you chicken?"

I grinned mischievously at Johnny. "Bring it on big brother. You are going down like the Raiders did last season."

"Oh, it's on now."

"You a Raiders fan Sheppard?"

"Yea, but I prefer collegiate football."

"Good to know."

We played poker for awhile, playfully trash talking one another. It was a fun filled morning, up until a nurse came to kick us out for a few hours so Evan could rest. She wouldn't give him the choice of staying awake any longer. She let him eat lunch before administering something that would force him to sleep.

Johnny and I left the infirmary and headed to the mess, after he deposited his poker chips and cards in his quarters. The mess was somewhat filled with a mixture of people. Those who didn't have the day off and were just hear for a quick meal break and those who had off, like Johnny and me, but still needed to eat. We had gotten halfway through our lunch, when we were both radioed to report to the gateroom. Just because you are off duty doesn't mean you can be without your radio. We both sighed, leaving our unfinished lunches and headed to the gateroom. Woolsey and security personnel were overseeing an influx of people. They weren't base personnel. They seemed like they were refugees, a lot had cuts and scratches, but none seemed to be too injured.

"Sorry to call you both here, but Colonel, Dr. Kerrigan, consider yourselves back on duty. We have a crisis here. Colonel, if you could oversee securing these people, and doctor, if you could talk to these people, make them aware they are safe here."

"Of course Mr. Woolsey." I exchanged a look with Johnny and we both shifted from playful mode to work mode in an instant. So much for having a Merry Christmas.


	12. Don't Rush

**Chapter 12: Don't Rush**

Christmas had come and gone, unfortunately very eventful. A planet in the Galactic Alliance, as it was being called now, had been under attack by the Wraith. Though they had lost many, most of their people had been able to safely evacuate to Atlantis. I and Johnny didn't get back to see Evan until very late that night.

March was coming quick, just a few short days away. My hand was 100% healed and I was back on active duty and a permanent fixture on Major Teldy's team. Evan wasn't thrilled about it. He, himself was healing quicker then most had expected, but they were grateful that the bases Second in Command was nearly back to full duty. He, while out of the infirmary, still wasn't allowed to be on duty. It was driving him insane. I, however, didn't mind all that much. Whenever I wasn't on duty, or sparring with Teyla, Ronon or my brother was with Evan, keeping him company.

Today wasn't an exception to the now daily routine we had established. I was sparring with Teyla when Evan came walking into the infirmary, but I wasn't paying attention to him. Teyla had been teaching me, along with Ronon, their way of fighting, and I was catching on quicker then my brother had, or so they both told me.

There was a few minutes of back and forth, no holds barred connecting of sticks in attempt to land an attack, only for it to be deflected by the other. Teyla went into a defense stance, one that we agreed upon would be for when we were trying to agree to come to a draw. I mirrored her stance and she smiled to me, lower her sticks.

"I am much impressed with your progress Nicolette, it is much improved since our last sparring session."

"Thanks Teyla. I've been practicing a lot with Ronon and my brother. John doesn't seem to like the fact that I have more ways to beat him."

"As we knew he would not."

Teyla started gathering her things into her gym bag when she herself noticed Evan. Her back had been to him when he entered and had remained to him until now.

"Major."

"Teyla, done with my girl that I can steal her away for a bit?"

"Certainly Major. We just finished sparring."

I smiled at the two of them, than saw a mischievous smile on Evan's face. His smile stayed the same as his eyes changed to reflect something else, something more carnal. He had only just taken in how I was dress. I was wearing capri length gaucho like sweats, I was barefoot, but what I think gave him the look in his eyes is that my top left my from my ribcage to my capri's empty, devoid of clothing. Teyla, taking note in the sudden change in mood coming from Evan said goodbye and hurriedly left the gym, as Evan stepped toward me. I finally walked from the spot I had been standing in and place my sticks were they belong.

I hadn't realized that Evan had followed me from where I had been, but suddenly I was pinned to the wall, his lips devouring mine. This sudden onset of passion threw me for a loop and all I could do was force myself to not think. I let myself kiss him back as my arms wrapped around his neck, one hand grabbing onto a clump of his hair as I drew him deeper into our kiss.

Since he had been released from the infirmary we had very few unguarded moments like this one. I felt Evan trying to draw back and reluctantly let him.

"Your quarters or mine?"

"Mine. I need to shower then we can hang out there."

"Sounds good, Clover."

"Evan."

"Yeah Nikki?"

"Do you ever think that we are going about this all wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think we're rushing things between us?" He drew back from me as I slipped on a hoodie and my flip flops. I picked up the rest of my belongings that I had in my gym bag and held them in one hand, my other reaching for his hand.

My hand fell back to his side as he simply stood there, staring at me. "Evan?"

"You think we're rushing things?"

"Well yes and no. I don't know."

"You've thought about this. So let's hear it."

"It's the same as it was before. I mean the entire time you were gone, I felt that while I enjoyed the direction things were going with us, I felt they were a bit rushed. Or at least they seem to everyone else as a bit rushed."

"You're worried about everyone else?"

"Yes. I can't help it. I mean my relationship with you and my closeness to my brother's team has caused a lot of negative side effects."

"Like what?"

"Like that rumor that had Dr. Saunders trying to force himself upon me. I occasionally see looks from others on base."

"Who?"

"I don't know everyone Evan, so I can't answer that. And no, before you over react like Johnny, its no one that is a part of the military contingent."

"Good."

I dropped my gym bag and slip my arms around him. "Evan, I'm sorry if my question upset you."

"It didn't. It just made me seriously think about whether or not I felt that way, too."

"And?"

"I think we are perfectly right on track with where we should be. Actually I think we should be furthering along, but with my being gone for several weeks, then you're broken hand and my being holed up in the infirmary for so long before being released, I guess we are where we should be."

"You want us to progress further, already?"

"I don't mean get engaged or anything like that, though one day I would love to make you my wife, I just mean we can't keep having these heated kisses with no follow through. It's driving me mad Clover."

"Don't rush it. We agreed on that Evan. We want you fully healed and all being well before we take that step. Don't want you to strain something then end up back in the infirmary. I have been quite content and happy sleeping next to you every night since you were released."

Evan chuckled as I picked my bag back up. We headed out of the gym towards my quarters. We were nearly there when Evan gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. "You go shower, I am gonna go grab us some lunch. I should be at your quarters before you're done showering. I know how you like your hot water after a sparring session." He winked at me which made me blush, before he walked off.

I watched him walk away. Since he had been off duty for so long, he had grown accustomed to wearing jeans and tight t-shirts because he knew I liked watching him, or hell, even staring at him. He knew all too well how he drove me crazy with want. He had been right about one thing in the gym, if things didn't change, on the physical front soon, who knew what sorts of trouble we would get into.

I walked the rest of the way to my quarters, dropped my gym bag where I always kept it, put my flip flops, which had been a gift from Evan and Johnny, as they both knew as much as I loved my boots, I loved flip flops even more, away. I then made my way into the bathroom, my short robe the only thing in hand.

Evan was true to his word. When I came walking out of my bathroom, wearing only my robe and my clothes being held in my hands he glanced up from whatever he was doing on his laptop. He looked away before realizing what he had seen. He looked back; my back was to him as I rummaged through my dresser drawers then my closet. My hair was damp, but already drying, though it was down, falling in waves against my robe. With my back to Evan I hadn't seen him get up, but suddenly arms wrapped around me from behind and he whispered into my ear as he rested his head against mine. "God Clover, you smell good and look amazing."

I turned in his arms, my clean clothing in my hands. I placed a gently kiss on his lips and stepped back before he could do anything further. I slipped away from him and into the bathroom. Less then two minutes later I came back out, in blue, capri leggings and his Air Force sweatshirt. Sure I had my own that Johnny had given me, but there was something about his sweatshirt, and it smelling like him, that had me hoarding it for my own personal use. I didn't bother with socks as I slipped onto my bed next to him. He had already set his laptop aside and had a movie set up to start playing on it.

"You know, it's hard enough to not try anything with you, without you looked so damn cute."

"Then you shouldn't have let me wear your sweatshirt that one night."

"You were cold out on that balcony, couldn't let you freeze that cute behind off."

"True, but I think if you had known just how sexy I would look in it, you would have thought again."

"No, I wouldn't have." Evan chuckled as he set the food in front of us. He had somehow managed to get snack size bags of Veggie chips to be on regular rotation with the rest of the snack foods, and he handed me a bag, but wouldn't let me have it until I kissed his cheek. I rolled my eyes at him as he handed me bottled water, I put both the chips and the water on the night table by me. They would be my snack and drink for during the whatever movie he picked.

"Roast beef or turkey?"

"Have to ask?"

"Fine, you can have the roast beef. I still don't get how you don't like most beef products, such as burgers and beef stew, but can't get enough roast beef when its on a sandwich."

"It's different. The meat is thinly sliced, nice and red and yummy and cold, with some swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato salt and pepper. It's just a divine sandwich. Though I still don't get how you have been able to get them to make subs and not little tiny sandwiches."

"I have skills Nikki."

"I'm glad you do, cause I benefit immensely from them."

"Yet, had I known you would react to having a roast beef sub, I would have worked my magic sooner."

"Yeah yea, let's eat so we can watch the movie. What did you pick out anyway?"

"It's a surprise. Now eat." We ate in a very comfortable silence and before long we were finished eating. Evan cleaned up all the napkins and paper and the two empty cans of soda, putting it all in the trash can we had put in each of our quarters.

"So, what movie are we going to watch?"

"I originally was thinking something funny, but honestly, I chose something we've seen already, cause right now, I don't think I could pay enough attention to the movie. All I really want to do is hold you."

"I want to cuddle with you, so that works in both our favors." Evan turned away from me for a moment to start the movie. Italian Job, I should have figured, it was one of Evan's favorites, and we both had seen it a few times, that it became the movie we watched when we wanted to spend time together, but weren't really interested in watching something we'd never seen.

I curled up to him, my legs entangling in his as he held me. He kissed the top of my head, which made me look up into his gorgeous blue eyes. I always got so easily lost in his eyes. He leaned in for a kiss, which I was more then happy to return. I almost wanted to feel grateful that it didn't have the same heat behind it as the one earlier in the gym, but disappointed at the same time that it didn't. I think he was able to tell I was thinking too hard about something when he drew back, his eyes looking into mine.

"Nikki?"

"Evan…"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

He was grinning at me, the goofiest but happiest grin I had ever seen come from him. In a matter of seconds I was flat on my back with him hovering over me. "I love you, too." That was all it took. The passion was back and this time I wasn't sure that either of us were willing to stop where it would lead.

After a good long while, the movie being about half way done, we ended up cuddling in each others arms again. We had been able to prevail with clear minded thinking. Our passion hadn't gotten a 100% hold on us like I thought it would. We were laying like this for a good five, maybe ten minutes when I realized Evan's breathing had changed. He had fallen asleep. It made me smile. I wiggled my bare feet under the blanket that lay folded at the end of the bed and let my eyes drift closed, happily falling asleep in the arms of the man that I loved and who now knew, through more then just actions, that I loved him.

I woke later to a room that was slowly getting darker, Evan's laptop had but itself to sleep so it was very quiet in my quarters. Evan must have been awake and felt me stir because I felt his fingers playing with my hair. I was comfortably nestled up against him.

"Sleep well?" He asked me. I moved out of the comfort of his arms to stretch out, before sitting up and looking down at him.

"I did, did you?"

"Of course, best nap I ever had. When did you sneak into bed last night?"

"It was pretty late. I was trying to catch up on some paperwork."

"You slept quite a while."

"How long have you been awake?"

"Don't know maybe an hour."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"You looked peaceful, I didn't want to wake you up."

"I guess it's a good thing I caught up on a bit of sleep. Don't know how much I'll get tonight."

"Mission tomorrow, huh?"

I nodded. I leaned forward and kissed him. His response surprised me. He pulled me on top of him while returning my kiss, so I had no choice but to straddle him and hold myself up as he kissed me. He drew me down more, kissing me deeply.

I managed to draw back and look into his eyes as his hands pulled my hair away from my face. "Evan…"

"Shh." He put a finger on my lips before drawing me back down into a sensual kiss. Instead of fighting him, I gave in. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did.

The sun had long since set when Evan and I decided that we were hungry. We didn't want to move, we were quite content not moving, but we knew we had to eat. I wriggled out of his arms and slipped his sweatshirt back on. Slowly, but eventually we made our way out of my quarters and down to the mess. As we walked through the halls he kept one arm around my shoulders, and I had one arm around his waist.

I looked around as we stepped into the mess; Johnny was there, with his team and Dr. Keller, they seemed to all be eating a rather late dinner. I pretended as if I didn't see him as Evan and I went to grab trays to get food. I piled salad onto my plate, in true fashion, but I added whatever the meat dish was, it looked like chicken, onto my plate. I looked up at him to see him smiling at me as he loaded his plate with food. I grabbed two bottles of water and we headed to the balcony to find an empty table to sit.

I sat down at the first table that was away from everyone else that was out here, and sat down. Evan sat next to me, which surprised me because he usually sat down across from me. I guess he had seen my brother and to be on the safe side wanted to be next to me incase Johnny came near us.

I hadn't talked to Johnny all that much lately. We both were busy, but it didn't help either that I was ignoring him.

"Something wrong Clover?"

"No, just surprised a bit that you sat down next to me, you usually sit across from me."

"Sheppard noticed you ignoring him. I figured incase he wandered over it would be better to be sitting next to you, ya know, keep you two separated if need be."

"Why would we need to be separated?"

"In case you two fight."

"Why would we fight?"

"You do often, so it's just a precaution."

"You know Evan, if you are using the possibility of my brother possibly coming over here as an excuse to sit next to me instead of across from me, it's not necessary."

"Why's that?"

"I prefer you close to me, which is why."

I stole a french fry off of his plate as he took a bite of his chicken. He raised an eyebrow in my direction as I took a bite of my salad. He reached for his water and I stole another french fry but it never reached my mouth as he snatched my wrist in his hand.

"If you wanted a fry, you could just ask or you could have gotten them for yourself."

"They didn't look appetizing until they were on your plate and we were sitting down already."

He laughed at me as I leaned forward and ate the fry out of his hand. I went back to eating my salad and looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He was grinning and laughing a bit. I couldn't help but smile. I was nearly done with my salad, and to Evan's surprise done with all my chicken when Johnny wandered over.

"Colette, Lorne."

"Johnny."

"Sir."

"How's it going? You two seem to be inseparable when Colette isn't on duty or off world."

"Not true. I was with Teyla this morning."

"Then with Lorne the rest of the day."

"What's your point Johnny?"

"Just wondering which stage of the sappy relationship you two are at. Went through the same thing with Rodney and Keller."

"Miss having me tailing you around?"

Johnny gave me an indignant look and I sighed. "Sorry, but we've both been busy Johnny. We knew this would happen once I was back on duty."

"Yeah, I know."

I didn't have anything to say to my brother. It concerned me. It concerned me greatly. I was never at a loss for words when talking to him, hell even when I was mad at him I always had something to say to him. Evan sensing the tension but his hand on my leg, I looked at him and smiled then looked at Johnny.

"Are you doing the briefing in the morning?"

"What briefing?"

"The briefing for the mission my team is going on."

"Oh right. No, Woolsey is taking care of that. I'll be off world myself."

"The team, too?"

"Nope, just me."

"Okay."

Evan still sensing we weren't saying things that we needed to say, got up, gathered up the trays, and kissed the side of my head. "I'm gonna go see what desserts they got. I'll catch up with you later on." He said to me then turned to Johnny. "Colonel," he nodded to John, who nodded back as he walked away. I curled my feet up underneath myself.

"Just come out and say it Johnny."

"I've got nothing to say."

"Bullshit. Just admit that you don't like my being with Evan."

"That would be lying, Colette, I see how happy he makes you. It just feels like he's the only thing that matters to you anymore."

"He's not and you know it, is this because we haven't seen each other in nearly a week? Or is it because our last sparring session, I skipped out on early, to be with Evan."

"Both and neither."

"You make no sense at all John Sheppard."

"Like you ever do?"

"In fact I do. If it makes you feel better though, I'll make sure I make an overwhelming effort to spend less time with the man I love, who has healed my heart in ways I never thought it would be, to spend time with my over bearing and jealous brother."

"Woah, back up, you love him?"

"Out of everything I said you get stuck on that?"

"Well, do you?"

"I do Johnny, I really do. I know a few months isn't very long, but I love him and he feels the same way."

"Wow. I'm happy for you Colette, really I am."

"Thanks Johnny."

"So, after your mission and the debrief, if you aren't too exhausted, up for the usual?"

"Oh course. Wouldn't miss it for the world."

Johnny smiled as he stood up, I stood up as well. At this point we parted ways, I was happier. It hadn't occurred to me that my not making time for Johnny would bother him so much. I guess I couldn't really be surprised as I used to drop everything to spend time with him. I wasn't sure I was liking where this change in our sibling relationship was going, but it had to go there. He wasn't the only man in my life anymore. At least not the only one that truly mattered to me.

I walked out of the mess, not seeing Evan. I yawned and tried to hide it. I wasn't hiding from anyone, it was just out of habit. I wandered to Evan's quarters, thinking he might have gone there, but no luck, he wasn't in there. So the next logical place to look was my quarters, which I found him in. He had two cups of pudding, water and spoons waiting with the book we had been taking turns reading to each other. Sure it was sappy, but we were allowed to be sappy. Sappy happens when you are in love.

"Everything alright with your brother?"

"Yeah, we talked and it dawned on me that I wasn't making time for him like I used to. I promised I'd make sure that we'd have some sibling bonding time. It was just odd coming from him." I walked over to my dresser, slipped out of my leggings and the sweatshirt. I slipped a tank top and pajama shorts on, putting the sweatshirt back on, I padded barefoot to the bed.

"You know, we need to see if we can get a bigger bed in here, or sneak another one in here, cause this bed is tiny."

"I like it." It just forces us to stay curled up in each others arms all night long."

"Sap."

"Love bird." We laughed, finished our pudding and settled into our usual position when it was Evan's turn to read. Technically it had been my turn, since we hadn't read since a few nights ago, but since I was the one with the mission tomorrow, he offered. I gladly had accepted. I curled into the warm of his bared chest. One thing I loved was that he slept in his boxers. Sometimes, if he got cold, he'd weasel his sweatshirt off me, but hold me to keep me from getting cold, but he knew not to try to take himself or the sweatshirt away from me tonight. I got nervous before missions. After what I had been through on my first mission, it wasn't the least bit surprising. I was however growing increasingly more comfortable with going off world. Atlantis was going to be the best and worst chapter in my exsistance.

I fell asleep quickly, in the comfort of my bed, with the man I so terribly loved, holding me and reading to me softly. It was like something out of a romance novel or a romantic movie. I couldn't help but thank God for giving me someone like Evan. I was blessed.


	13. Mission and Misunderstandings

**To my readers, more directly, to Saffy: **Saffy, you can not steal Evan from me. I thought you would have learned this from all your previous attempts. Glad you like it though.

*sneaks Evan back away from Saffy, Evan thanks his Grey and life goes on like it should* No more trying to steal him, kay? He's mine here, on MNI and everywhere else you can think of. XD

* * *

**Chapter 13: Missions and Misunderstandings**

The sun was just starting to pierce through the windows of my quarters when I stirred in my bed. Evan's arms were around me, much in the same way they had been last night. I was able to slip out of his arms, without waking him. I had no way of knowing how much longer he stayed awake after I had fallen asleep to the sound of his voice.

I stepped into my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth and my hair. I looked happy. There was this light in my eyes that I had never noticed before. On top of that they seemed to be this bright, unnatural green. That boy was gonna make myself and my drivers license liars, if this kept up I wouldn't be able to get away with telling people my eyes were hazel when they clearly looked green.

I pulled my hair up into a tight bun before slipping into my off world BDU's. I came out of the bathroom holding the button up BDU top to find Evan sitting up in bed, rubbing his face, trying to wake himself up. I smiled to him as I grabbed my boots and slipped them on. Unlaced I walked over to the bed, sat down and tied the laces of my boots. I felt a gentle kiss to the small of my neck before he was up off the bed and taking his turn in the bathroom.

I put my watch on and grabbed my headset, setting it in place. I knew I wouldn't actually need it on the mission, but I had grown very accustomed to having that or a radio near me at all times, incase something went wrong. That was one thing that I loved about living on Atlantis. Even though you were afforded a 'day off' every once in awhile, you never really had a day off, one was expected to be 'on call' 24/7 so long as you were on the base. I wasn't sure how I felt about feeling this way, until Evan came out of the bathroom, still looking half asleep.

He was the reason I loved living here. Not the only reason of course, but he was a major contributing factor in how I felt. "How come you're up?"

"Woke up, I tried to fall back to sleep, but my mind wouldn't stop. Guess I have trouble sleeping without you now."

"I want to say I'm sorry, but honestly, I kinda like that I affect you in that way."

He chuckled. "Well, kiss me now, cause I am gonna wait a bit before coming out of your quarters."

"So you can make it look like you were looking for me and not that you had slept here?"

"Yeah."

"What's the point, most everyone on base knows to look for you in my quarters if we didn't end up in yours."

"The IOA contingency that is arriving today doesn't know. We don't want to give them fuel to dump on us and light us on fire."

"Nice analogy." I kissed him deeply before drawing back. Wordlessly I walked to the door. I stopped for a moment to turn and give him a week smile.

One thing we didn't do was say goodbye to each other. Yeah, we'd say see you later, but when it came to missions, we felt it was better off not said. We felt the same way that if we said any departing salutation that it would jinx the likely hood of coming back in one piece. We attributed this to the fact of what had happened to him before he went off world. Goodbyes had been said with reassurances that we'd see one another later rather then sooner, and I almost lost him.

I made a quick pit stop to the mess to grab a berry muffin, water and a yogurt. The yogurt I ate before leaving the mess and the muffin I picked at on my way up to the control room, where I was meeting Anne, Major Teldy, before our briefing. Anne was waiting in the control room for me. She gave me a slight nod as I approached her.

"Something put a bounce in your step this morning." Anne said with a wink.

"I don't know what you are talking about." I smirked at her as we walked the short distance from the control room to the conference room.

"Sure you don't. With the IOA contingency arriving today, instead of Woolsey, your brother is supposed to do the briefing this morning."

I laughed. "Johnny up early for something that isn't a mission of his, that's a good one."

"I thought the same thing."

"Where's Missy and Sasha?"

"They'll be here shortly. Actually, scratch that, here they come." Sergeant Missy Dent and Lt. Sasha Bentley came walking down the stairs from the Jumper Bay. The four of us walked into the conference room, grabbing seats as we waited for my slow moving brother to arrive.

Shocking enough he was actually on time for the briefing. "Morning Major, Colette, Lieutenant, Sergeant, I'll try to make this as quick as possible. Recon is the name of the game. We've been sent our very own set of Sodan cloaking devices, which is what you'll be using. Jumper 4 has been prepped for your use on this mission as the target area for recon is several miles from the gate. From what the intel suggests strange things are starting to happen to some of the inhabitants of MJ4-757. While no Wraith activity has come to the area, it's been brought to our attention, from the way the inhabitants are acting, it would suggest that a creature much like the Goa'uld are behind what is going on. If the Goa'uld or a creature like it has made its way into this galaxy we need to know so we can take proper precautions to eradicate the creatures as soon as possible. Remember, stealth recon is the key. It's up to you, Major, to decide if you are going to observe from the Jumper or while using the cloaking devices.

Word of advice when it comes to the cloaking devices, remember, you can't be seen, walking through people is creepy and since we know nothing of the creature taking control of the inhabitants, we don't know if they will be able to see or sense you while wearing the devices."

"Sounds like a fun filled day, sir."

"Certainly does Major, you move out in 30, I suggest you are ready."

"Already am Colonel. Dr. Kerrigan just needs to get ready and we are good to go."

"Good, dismissed."

Sasha, Missy and Anne were out of the conference room mere seconds after being dismissed. I was moments behind them when Johnny stopped me. "Colette, be careful alright. I know you've read the mission reports on what the Goa'uld are, but it doesn't compare to coming across one in person."

"Don't worry John. I'll be fine." Before he could say another word I headed to the locker room. I gathered my stuff, stopped by the armory for my weapons then made my way up to the jumper bay.

I walked to Jumper 4 and into it. Settling my things properly I glanced at Sasha, who was glaring at me. Missy noticed the look Sasha was giving me and went to the front of the jumper where Anne was. "What's your problem this morning Lieutenant?"

"You are, Doctor."

"What did I do this time?"

"I don't like you."

"Why? You've never actually explained to me what your problem is."

"Don't psycho analyze me doc."

"Not trying to. Just trying to find out why you don't like me. What did I ever do to you?"

"You were born."

"Was it that I was born, or that I was born as Colonel Sheppard's half sister?"

"I don't think its right that the commanding officers sister gets special treatment."

"Special treatment?"

"Yeah, you just show up on Atlantis and get everything handed to you."

"The only thing that was handed to me was my job, as the head of my department. Nothing else was given to me Lieutenant. Major Teldy asked me to be a part of this team, I didn't have it handed to me. My first mission I returned injured. I have been through quite a bit on this base in my short time here, so please, enlighten me as to how I have everything handed to me?"

"Lieutenant, Nic is right."

"Maybe about that stuff but she has friends handed to her and a man just handed to her like its nothing."

"Everyone of my friends on this base chose to be my friend. I'm not some charity case that gets friends handed out to and for the second, if you are referring to my relationship with Major Lorne, get two things straight. One, he wasn't handed to me. I met him on Earth, before coming here and became friends with him and two, its none, and I repeat, none of your god damned business."

"When you have the commanding officer and the second in command of this base eating out of the palm of your hands, it is my damned business."

"Lieutenant, knock it off before I remove you from this mission. Nic isn't military, Colonel Sheppard is a hard ass when it comes to Nic being well prepared for these missions and two, with Major Lorne being out of commission, I am second in command of the military contingent until he can return to active duty. If you ever imply that I am eating out of Nic's hand, or that anyone is, ever again, I will see to it personally that you are removed from this base."

"This is just what I mean. People have been sent away because of her."

"The only person who was sent away because of me was Dr. Saunders and that was because he tried to do more then make a pass at me."

"You're a liar. He tried to be nice to you and because you didn't like him, you had him sent away."

"Sasha, I've seen the security camera footage of the incident. Saunders was guilty."

"No he wasn't Missy."

"That's what all this is about? You were involved with Saunders, weren't you Sasha?"

"So what?"

"You're pissed that he made a pass at me while he was with you, told you he didn't then got removed from base because he did. Look, I'm sorry that you were brought into this in anyway shape or form. Trust me when I tell you I have requested, twice now, to be sent back to Earth, but this is where the IOA and Stargate command want me. Unfortunately for me I signed a contract stating I would go where they wanted me, for as long as they wanted while my contract is valid."

"I loved him. What makes you so great that I wasn't enough for him?"

"Nothing. Saunders, I think, only did what he did because I embarrassed him my first week here. I think it was more of a revenge thing then him wanting me over you."

"That sounds like something Thaniel would do."

"Still hate me?"

"No, I'm sorry. I just didn't want to believe that he actually did that."

"It's alright Sasha."

"Alright, enough with the girl bonding bullshit, if we don't leave now, Sheppard will have my ass handed to me on a spiked platter."

"Nice image Anne."

"Thanks Nic. You alright to drive this thing?"

"I suppose, after all, despite my warning to not let me, my brother forced me to learn how to fly this thing."

It had been a while since Johnny had shown me how to fly the jumper and it was a little easier for me now to go through the Stargate, so I wasn't nearly as nervous as I used to be. This was my first actual mission flying a jumper though. With everything and everyone secure, I closed the rear hatch and hovered above the floor as it opened to the gate room below. Easing the jumper down into the gate room I noticed how much easier flying it felt then the last time I had. Maybe because I wasn't nervous or scared anymore or perhaps I was finally feeling the connection to Ancient technology the same way my brother did. Whatever the reason I didn't care, I was happier not to be nervous and make a mistake. Anne dialed the gate and I took us smoothly through. The second we were through I activated the ship's cloak and banked her left.

Just as John had said, the village was several miles from the gate. The cloak still activated, I set the jumper down about a half mile from the village. Donning our gear we left the jumper and headed towards town. We activated the cloaking bands a short time later, as to be on the safe side and not wanting to accidentally come across an unsuspecting villager, especially if it was one that we were looking for.

Nothing eventful happened at all. We observed the village, nothing seemed out of place. Either the rumors of the Goa'uld like creatures were being careful or it was just that, a rumor. We roamed around the near deserted parts of the village before calling it quits. That was when an odd thing happened. It felt like I was bit by something, it took the wind out of me for a moment with how sharp the pain was, but I would check it after we got back home.

The trek back to the jumper seemed long, but it was just as uneventful as the day. We turned the bands off as we stepped back into the jumper. I took the pilot seat with a sigh, I glanced at Anne, she seemed bored, or annoyed that the mission had gone smoothly. Missy seemed to feel the same way. Sasha was looking at me oddly; I wasn't sure if it was remnants of our argument from earlier or if I was going to have to worry about her coming after me.

The flight back to the gate went faster than I had hoped it would. While the feeling of the bite was gone, I still wanted either Jen or Carson to check it out. You never knew what could happen to you off world.

Once the jumper was safely parked in the Jumper bay the 4 of us stopped at the armory to return our weapons, the locker room to deposit our gear then headed to the infirmary. On our way there I noticed Evan walking with Radek, arguing with him about something. It made me smile.

John was waiting for us outside the infirmary.

"Colette, Major, Lieutenant, Sargeant."

"John." I said while the others responded, "Colonel."

"Mission debrief in an hour."

"Yes sir." Anne stated before we shuffled into the infirmary.

Sometime later, after neither Jen nor Carson could find anything that could have caused the pain, even with scans and an excruciatingly long debrief I headed for my quarters, feeling like I needed a power nap. Halfway there something compelled me to go to my office, which I did. I walked in, thankful not to find anyone there I locked the door and slumped down into my desk.

The next thing I knew there was this sharp pain, again, but this time I nearly doubled over. The room spun and I felt like I passed out. That's when the fear set it. I felt it. I felt another consciousness mingling with mine. I wanted to scream but I had no control over my body. Everything went dark.


	14. Lost and Maybe Found

**So sorry to all my readers that it has taken this long for me to get this chapter to you. I've been through many humps, trials and tribulations, that and my muse finally decided to come back to me so I could write more than one page of this chapter before losing my train of thought for weeks.**

**Chapter 14: Lost and Maybe Found**

I woke sometime later at least I thought I had. I was walking around and wasn't quite sure how that was even possible. I tried to stop walking, it didn't happen. I tried to scream, my mouth never opened. The fear that I had felt prior to blacking out washed over me again. I was slowly starting to understand what had happened to me. I had been taken over by a Goa'uld. Again I tried to scream to no avail. That was the first time I heard her speak to me in my mind.

"_Calm down Doctor, I mean you no harm."_

"_Then leave my body, you can't have it, you have no right."_

"_I cannot do that. I chose you for my host, my host you shall remain. I will not subject to the cruel things that you read about my children nor am I benevolent like the Tok'Ra."_

"_Are you trying to tell me you are the mother of the Goa'uld?"_

"_In a way, I am one of many queens, however I did not agree with what some of my children did, pretending to act like gods and preform those unspeakable acts. I simply wish to live in a fashion of my choosing, you will benefit from this, I promise you."_

"_How can I benefit from an alien creature controlling my every move, my every action, my every word?"_

"_You will see in time. I will make your life the way it should be. You will see all that I have to offer."_

"_I don't want what you have to offer. Sooner or later the people here will figure out what has happened to me. You will be discovered. They'll notice the difference in me. You can't pretend to be me."_

"_I can for a time and slowly make changes to your life to suit me and what is best of a benefit for you."_

"_You can't do this to me. I have a life, a family, friends, a love. You have no right to take that away from me."_

"_Fight me if you wish Nicollette, only by grace of the so called God that you worship will you be free of me unless it is my choosing."_

She refused to speak to me after that, it seemed to be too much of a distraction for her as it seemed she didn't have 100% percent control. Eventually I felt myself feel mentally exhausted from trying to fight her, to regain control of my body, I gave up, I would bide my time and would regain my body, I was sure of it.

Months later I still had no control of myself. My brother hardly spoke to me anymore, Evan gave me cold looks, Teyla, Ronon, Jennifer, Rodney and the majority of my friends kept their distance from me, speaking to me only when it was necessary. She said she was a benefit? Not at all, she destroyed my life so much to the point that I was being transferred back to Earth.

Here, she stood, standing in my quarters, packing my things. At least what she wanted of my things. My drawings, the many compositions I had, my violin, all sat on the small chair, not being touched. Johnny came into my quarters shortly before she finished packing my things.

"Colette, I don't know what changed in you over the last few months, but I don't like it. I think you're going back to Earth is a good thing. It might help you remember who is important to you and how much you cared about the people you hurt."

"Doubtful John, but I appreciate your want to have the sister you grew accustomed to. I couldn't pretend anymore."

"So you pretended to care about Lorne?"

"No, that was real, I just couldn't handle it."

"I don't understand what happened to you, how you got to be this person who is malicious and not who you were at all."

"People change John, things change people. It was a sweet attempt at us being close, but it wasn't meant for us to be this close. We never truly were. It's time you understood that. Dave clearly does. We were not supposed to be family."

"You have never agreed with the fact that Dave has never accepted you as a Sheppard."

"Only by default at the genetic level was I a Sheppard, never more than that."

"Why didn't you pack your music and things?"

"I gave up on all that. Haven't touched it for months nor have I wanted to."

"Now I know there really is something wrong with you. Your music and art has been the most important thing to you until you met Lorne. There is no way my sister would walk away from it. "

"I did, now if you don't mind, I am due to return to Earth shortly."

"Knock it off Colette, you know full well that if I chose to I can prevent you from returning to Earth."

"You wouldn't do that though, you know you wouldn't."

"You are right about that, you aren't the only one that needs a break from this place."

It hurt to hear Johnny say that, though I knew he wasn't actually telling me, but that thing that had control of me. I knew though that had it been me saying and doing all the things that she made me do, that Johnny would have been saying the same words to me, which I think hurt more. How could Johnny ever truly believe that I was really doing all those things of my own volition? It was honestly absurd. Johnny knew me better than that, always had. I also could grasp how he actually believed that I would agree with anything that Dave had said or did. He was the brother that never wanted me for a sister because it ruined his perfect little world, yet he believed it. It was astounding the things this creature had done to my life. She ruined it to the point where she had my own brother questioning if I was really ever the person who knew. Had I control over my own body I would have had tears flowing from my eyes. Evan had changed me for the better, I showed emotion a little bit more and at first, Johnny had slowly started to show more emotion, not around anyone under his command, with the exception of his team and Evan. Now all that was ruined and I found myself hoping to be rid of her one day so I could have my brother back and the man that I loved more than the air I breathed.

Over the last few months many things had happened. I thought that I would have been able to fight her and regain control of my body, especially that day she destroyed the man that I loved. It had just been a typical day on base, with the exception that Evan had just been cleared for active duty. She played like she was happy to see him completely healed and able to go about doing his proper job on base. Later that afternoon, when he talked about the mission that he would be going on the next day, she freaked out on him. I tried to no avail to yell at him, to tell him the words coming out of my mouth weren't mine. That I was happy for him to be able to do his job, to go on mission, but of course I was unable to tell him that. I screamed, yelled, cried and sobbed through my own head for days over what she did. She told him that I couldn't be with someone who was risking their lives, that the worry and stress it brought on, even just thinking about him being back out on off-world mission brought a sense of foreboding over me. She utterly destroyed me then. I gave up on that day of ever regaining control. Part of me still wanted to bide my time, to let her slip up, but she already knew that. I resigned myself to being stuck like this for as long as she wanted to keep me as hers.

My relationship with my brother died the next day after she destroyed me. He had cornered her as she came out of my office. I craved comfort from him; I just wanted to fall apart in Johnny's arms. I was surprised with myself that I felt that way, as I seldom did. Feeling the way that I did wouldn't do any good at all, I was stuck in this situation with no conceivable way out, at least not in the foreseeable future. Johnny followed us back to my quarters.

So there I was, packing my belongings and completely ignoring Johnny, screaming in my own head things that I would never thought I would have said. This creature was bringing me to the brink, I was ready to give up not just in regaining control of my own body, of my own thoughts, but on life itself. I was near to letting her consume me completely.

He watched me silently and after a time gave up and walked away. That day was full of more then just pain from my brother. Evan came by as I finished packing the last of my things.

"So this is what you want?"

"It is, Evan."

"I find that hard to believe after everything that we went through Nikki. "

"It doesn't matter what you believe Evan, as I already told you, you just weren't enough for me. You never were. I was a fool for diluting myself as long as I did. That coupled with the fact that I don't have the strength to tolerate the demands of your job. I don't have the drive to want to stay here and continue everything that I was doing. You need to understand Evan, it is, in every way, over."

"Have it your way Nic, you always had to anyway." With that Evan walked away from me again and I finally broke in all comprehensible senses of the work broken.

The trip back to Earth was a complete and utter haze for me along with the next several weeks. I vaguely remember bits and pieces of her talking to Dr. Jackson, to Col. Mitchell, Teal'c, Vala and anyone else who had direct and personal dealings with the Goa'uld. In the past I would have felt a spark of hope that she was looking for a new host, but that spark was long gone, not even a flicker of hope was left to me now.

More weeks passed by and still the same haze over everything that was happening, I was so disinterested in what she was doing with my life that I hadn't even realized she had been trying to get Col. Mitchell to date her. Their third date I seemed to wake out of the haze, the fog that had settled upon me.

"Nicolette, we've gotten pretty close over the past few weeks, will you now tell me the real reason you left Atlantis?"

"I told you already Cameron, it held nothing for me. I had been gravely mistaken to think I could work alongside my brother in any capacity. He and I are just so different."

"And Lorne? You're not escaping back to Earth to get away from him?"

"I was the one that left him, why would I need escaping?"

"Look, Sheppard told me everything about how things were you're entire time there. Something changed in you, he knows that, he said that for a while he had never seen you happier. What happened to change that for you?"

"I think that's enough questions Cameron, I'm not interested in talking about my brother or my fling with Evan. Neither of that is important."

"Nicolette, family is extremely important, you need to fix the problem with your brother if nothing else."

"I'll think on it. Now, I know you're office isn't the best setting for this, but kiss me Cameron. Kiss me, I've waited long enough."

I mentally shook with rage, she was not going to do this, she couldn't. I wouldn't let her. Yes, Col. Mitchell was attractive, but he was not Evan, by any means. I couldn't, wouldn't let her do this. As she leaned in towards a willing Mitchell I shrieked and shook more with rage, with pain, with every emotion I could muster. A scream escaped my lips and Mitchell stepped back, looking at me oddly.

"Nicolette?"

"Colonel Mitchell?" I gasped as I went to cover my mouth, finally finding my own voice. "Oh thank God, Colonel you have to help me before she takes over again, please. I don't want to play host to her, she ruined everything." Tears were streaming down my face and Mitchell must have realized what was going on and called for security. As security arrived she had retaken control. But it was too late for her, I had the chance I never thought I'd get. I exposed her and she would be finished toiling with my life as if it were some sick game.

She screamed to no avail. No one would believe that all she had was a mental breakdown, that she was fine. And here, we sat, at an interrogation table, some hours later, watching Dr. Jackson as he stared at me with Vala by his side. Teal'c and an unknown person, a To'kra by the looks of him, stood in the door way.

"Who are you and when did you take Dr. Kerrigan as a host?"

"I am Dr. Kerrigan, why won't you believe me?"

"We know the body is hers, and her mind is still there, but you aren't her."

"Very astute of you Dr. Jackson, you have obviously had dealings with my very bad children."

"Who are you?"

"Ash'ezra, the mother of the Goa'uld."

"Excuse me?"

"Astonished, aren't you? I'll put it you this way Dr. Jackson, I am very, very old and was banished to the depths of space by my children. A few of my children thought like I do, that your race was in need of being controlled, but never did I agree or decree to playing God. I eventually found my way to the Pegasus galaxy with my few remaining and loyal children. The planet that I was so fortunate to bide my time on brought me the gift of Dr. Kerrigan and a way off the planet I had spent a great many millennia on. Grant it I had considered taking a Wraith as a host, but they are hardly nice to look at. So when I found this beautiful specimen called Dr. Kerrigan, I jumped at the chance to be free."

"Hope you enjoyed your freedom. We'll be ensuring that Dr. Kerrigan regains control of her body and that you are removed from her."

"You can do no such thing. I own her. She is mine."

"The only thing you'll own is the nice shiny bottle the To'kra will put you in after they extract you from Dr. Kerrigan. In the meantime, while we arrange the extraction, you'll wear this," He nodded to Vala who stepped around the table and placed a device around my neck, like a cross between looking like a collar and some fine piece of jewelry. A warm sensation flowed through me as I felt her control sever. "Dr. Kerrigan?"

"Yes Daniel." I had tears in my eyes and tried to blink through them.

"You'll be in complete control until right before the extraction. There is someone here who wants to speak to you." I nodded as did Daniel. Teal'c, who was still standing in the doorway motioned to someone who was out in the hallway. Walking into the room was none other then my brother. He had a stern look on his face. I went to move and realized I was still handcuffed to the table. One of the guards uncuffed me as I stared at Johnny.

"Johnny…"

"No need to explain Colette, I knew something was wrong, I just couldn't quite figure out what." I nodded through the tears that were now streaming down my face. I was now released from the handcuffs, got up and ran into Johnny's arms. Johnny's stern look melted as he hugged me, held me as I cried tears of relief and sorrow.

A throat cleared behind Johnny and I looked over his shoulder. "Hope I'm not interrupting." Evan was standing in the doorway.

"Evan?..."

John released me as Evan stepped forward. I stood there like a nervous school girl. "It's alright Nic, I know everything."

"No you don't Evan. You have to believe me that everything horrible thing that was said was her not me. I never stopped loving you Evan. That's what saved me."

"What do you mean?"

"I couldn't let her make me kiss Col. Mitchell, not when you were still very much alive and had stolen my heart. I wouldn't let her. The anger, the rage over what she did, the love I have for you and my brother finally gave me enough to regain control, finally after months of trying."

"Easy Nic, I believe you." He stepped closer to me, a smile now on his face and I fell into his arms. "I love you Nic, don't you ever leave me like that again."

"Never Evan, never," I whispered to him through tears. Everything was going to be alright, just not yet. I got things fixed, to a point. There was still the matter of extracting this Goa'uld queen bitch from my body, permanently. I was ecstatic to be back to me, if that makes any sense at all. After a few moments of just enjoying the feel of Evan's arms around me, I stepped back and look at Dr. Jackson.

"So, any idea how long before I'll be the only one in this body?"

Mitchell who had silently left, stepped back into the room, Teal'c with him. "Ka'rish, a To'kra, just let us know that it will be about an hour or two before they'll have the equipment set and calibrated. If it is alright, Dr. Kerrigan, General Landry would like Teal'c to talk to Ash'ezra."

"No, I'm sorry but no. I have spent an excruciating countless amounts of months wanting to regain control, to take back my life. I gave up, I quit and now that I don't have to be subjected to that anymore I refuse to let her have a shred of control until it is absolutely necessary."

Mitchell went to say something in return and Johnny threw a cold look in his direction and Mitchell remained silent as a protective arm wrapped around my waist, which drew my attention back to Evan, I kept myself from smiling but I could feel the tears threatening to return and I blinked them away.

"Would you boys mind leaving me and Nikki alone for a while? I know what she's gone through and what she's about to go through. Plus she could probably use some time to absorb everything." I smiled at Vala, sometimes, even though it had been that bitch in control, I truly saw Vala for the person she was instead of the person she pretended to be. I think that Daniel saw it as well along with the rest of SG-1.

"Colette, you alright with that?"

"I am Johnny." He nodded to me as I turned my eyes back to Evan. "I don't want you to go, but Vala is right."

"No need to say more Nic, whatever you need." God I loved him something fierce. Part of me was still in anguish over what she had put us through, what she had put me and my brother through. Hell even what she had said to get distance from those I call friends. As all the boys left I smiled again to Vala and gently grabbed her hand.

"Vala, thank you, I know it wasn't really me that you got to know but I got to know you and thanks isn't enough."

"Don't fret darling. There was too much testosterone in here anyway. Now, what to expect…" Vala went on to explain how the extraction process worked and how there will be residual traces of the Goa'uld in me for some time before letting me vent my feelings of what the bitch had put me through. Before we realized it, the boys, minus Mitchell and Teal'c returned with the To'Kra from before. It was time, finally time, to be free of the bitch.


End file.
